Desperate to multiply

A different sort of desperation

2012-01-11T21:31:00.003Z

Here I am again.

I was pondering this morning how I'm desperate to multiply again, but more of a play on words and not a need to expand our family.

The multiply in question is the magazine that me and Mr G are pinning our hopes of a financial future on. Having spent an inordinate amount of money building our family, we find ourselves in a bit of a spot financially. Our IVF spend was worth every last penny and in no way regretted, not even for a millisecond. It's not fair that we had to spend that money to achieve what others do gratis, but there it is. A part of our history and actually something i'm sort of proud of now. Weird but true. We made it through hell and came out the other side. We were one of the lucky couples and many many more weren't and aren't.

Anyway, I digress. We now have two more mouths to feed and a whole lot less money to play with. We have also been hit by the recession and are bringing in a tiny fraction of what we need, leaving me desperate for Multiply, our new webmag on fertility, to survive.

I'm pretty sure i would have pored over something that gave me that much information, but maybe i'm not indicative of those out there still struggling to build their family? Who knows.

If you do read this, please do look us up - www.multiplymagazine.com - and give us a whirl. Tell your friends. Tell the girls at the clinic. The more people who sign up and chat on the forums the more useful it will be as a place to go for information, both formal and informal - from others in the same boat.

That's all for now. Oh, except to say, if you do read this and do look us up. Let me know, and don't be afraid of feeding back exactly what you think. Thank you.

Desperate to Multiply

2012-01-09T20:41:00.004Z

I can't believe it has been more than 6 months since i posted.

Actually, I can.

My timetable of life with a 3 year old, a 1 year old and a part-time job doesn't leave me much room for posting. In any event, i'm not sure what i have to say would be of much interest to those who used to read my posts. I'm also not sure that those of you who did read are still doing much blogging or reading. I feel like i've somehow let people down. I'm not sure who, but I got so much from my blog and its readers at one point and i've no idea where everyone ended up.

It's a weird place as IF is still a huge part of my life and of who I am. I have several strong friendships both in real life and in the ether, made as a result of IF. Girls who may or may not built their families either through IVF, donor or otherwise or by adoption. Every time I look at my children i'm reminded of where they came from. The candid nature of my struggles to multiply meant that everyone who knew me was aware of our struggles. That has meant that I have become a sort of IVF mentor to several friends.

I spent years sharing my deepest, darkest stuff with my hairdresser (a cliche, I know) so that when she found herself in the same boat - several failed IVF's in and advice to give it up looming - she turned to me. I advised her to try my old clinic (the one that worked for me) and she's 19 weeks pg. (Fingers crossed) I have also talked to several others. Friends, friends of friends, mums struggling with secondary fertility issues and more.

The last way in which infertility remains a huge part of my life is that Mr G and I have set up a website aimed at helping those struggling to start their families. Multiply Magazine is an online magazine packed with articles, up to date news items and a huge glossary of info for those starting out in the scary world of infertility and those already finding their way. We launched - well Mr G launched, as my time has been too limited to allow me to be of much use to him - about a couple of months ago. Take a look - it's full of useful information you might like to pass on to friends in need. As usual, Mrs Techno Twit can't manage to post a link in. The web address is www.multiplymagazine.com. Please please send it on to those who may be interested. There's also a weekly newsletter so they'll be bang up to date with all things to do with fertility.

We're slightly at a loss as to how to direct folk our way. Any suggestions would be helpfully received along with news of how you're doing if you were one of my ladies once upon a time.

Is Stirrup-Queens still the place to go share info?

I'm still out here - picture of babies at end of post

2011-06-24T18:38:00.006Z

I read somewhere that 2011 would a year of great change for many people.

It has been for us and many of our family and friends. One of Mr G's cousins died of cancer aged only 30 something. My Auntie - in her 50's is also fighting cancer. More than one marriage - at least 10 years old is on the rocks.

But it's not all bad. As the overdone saying goes - change can be good.

We have moved home. We were bursting at the seams in our London apartment. KM and I were sharing, as were Mr G and B. Not great for a marriage nor for my sleep! In our new home we have a bedroom each. Well, KM and B do and Mr G and I are rooming together again. We also have stairs. I haven't occupied a home with stairs for many years - not since I lived with my Mum when I was 17. That's a LONG time ago. I like stairs.

As I sit typing, the sounds of sirens have been replaced with...(listens)...nothing much at all. Some horses whinnying (we back onto a field of horses) a few woodpigeons and the hum of our refrigerator. That's it. I like it. If it wasn't light so darned early - we don't yet have curtains in our bedroom - then we'd be sleeping really well. We're about 30 miles out of London in Hertfordshire. It only takes 30 mins or so to get back to our old place. I actually don't miss it at all - apart from my old friends, that is, and B's nursery.

B is now just short of 2yrs 8 months and KM will be 9 months tomorrow. She's a smiley, happy baby. The image of her father and a lot like B. Funny, I wrote during my journey that I wanted a baby with Mr G's eyes. I've got that baby now but she's a girl not a boy, which I hadn't imagined.

I'm still very much in touch with IF. I'm in no way wanting more children. We're done. Too old to do this again. But, as I've always been so open about our struggles, I have several friends who've told me that they're in a similar place. Sometimes, hearing how they're getting on brings back that pain. Not as strong as it's hard to imagine how bad that place was, but a moment of sadness.

I've also taken a new job. You may remember the job that I so nearly got just before IVF5 did the job. Well, by chance i've been offered (and taken) a job editing the food page of a newspaper. I wasnt' sure I could manage that, a tiny baby, a toddler and a house move, but here I am, with several pages under my belt. (Sometimes i can't believe the place i'm in)

Life sounds good, eh? Well, it is. The fly in our ointment, is our almost total lack of income, but no matter how tough life is financially, we know we've had our share of the jackpot with KM and B. Maybe we used up all our luck with them...?

I just have a feeling of impending doom. I think it's an IVF legacy. I was so happy before we discovered our IF. Then everything came tumbling down. I'm back to happy but I can't shake this feeling of 'something has to go wrong'...

I think that's enough for now. We have a family stomach flu and it's been a long day of mopping up sick whilst trying to recover myself. I need to get myself to bed.

I do have a question for you - if anyone's out there any more:

Have you signed up to any organisations that help(ed) you cope with IF or provided information about treatments, where to go, which clinic is best? Would you/did you pay for that sort of information? Is there enough out there in one place? Would a mentor have been useful? I'd be interested to know your thoughts.

Oh - a gratuitous photo of the little ones...KM rarely wears the 'chavband' but a friend took them for the shoot and that was how it was. It's cute and stops people thinking she's a little boy - which they often do, even when she's in pink!

Just a quick one

2010-12-07T21:11:00.003Z

I'm about to go to bed, having had one of just three evenings spent without a fussy baby sleeping on me since Kitty Mabel arrived in our lives.

I'd moan, but this isn't the place for that. I'm surrounded by ladies struggling to have their babies so i'm well aware of how lucky we are to have our second miracle safe and sound - fussy or not.

One friend - only 35 - has had 3 failed IVF's. She found out over the weekend that her FSH has shot up to 25 since the summer. This is probably down to an operation to remove endomet.riosis that took off part of one of her ovaries. She's in shock and mourning this loss. She had not been told this was a risk of having that procedure.

Another friend told me she's just had her second miscarriage in the last few months. That stinks too. She's surrounded by reproducing mothers so must be hurting. She's very private.

A third has just lost her pregnancy after her baby was found to be sick.

I'm immensely lucky to be where I am and i'm not about to forget that.

I turned 42 last Friday. On the eve of my 39th birthday I was about to start IVF4. That cycle ended a few days later when I was told i'd never have children and to give up. If anyone had told me then that i'd be the mother of not one but two babies by the time I was 42, i would have told them where to go. I would never have believed it. Mothering two is extremely tough but I have not lost sight of where i've come from.

Thank you G-d for my blessings and thank you all out there for being there for my ride so far.

NIght night x

Kitty Mabel

2010-11-01T13:57:00.003Z

My daughter was born on 25th September 2010.

Life's been just a bit crazy which is why its taken me so long to post. Off for a hospital appointment now. Will write more later.

Injection

2010-08-11T15:31:00.002Z

B's now 21 months and doing really well. At the risk of sounding like the boastful mother, his speech seems to be amazing. He can speak in short sentences and copies almost everything we say. Sometimes i hear him repeating back words from what i've been saying, even if it's not to him. He can even sing his 'ABC' from start to finish. It's extremely cute, but I do have to remember that his ears are ALWAYS listening and be careful what I say.

One word he has picked up that i'd rather he hadn't is 'injection'. He watches me injecting my daily Cle.xane and sometimes gets a little upset as he doesn't like anyone doing anything to Mummy - even, it seems, Mummy herself. Anyway, yesterday, he had the syringe that we use to give him his medication (he has a summer head cold) and he started play injecting it into his tummy saying 'injection'. He then did it to me and to his teddy. It's great that he's taking it all in, but I felt a little sad that he should be seeing something like that.

I suppose it's part of life for us IV.F mothers and on the plus side, perhaps he won't be as scared of having injections himself when he has his next vaccinations. Until he feels that it does actually hurt a bit, that is!

I'm doing fine. I've 7 or 8 weeks to go now until the little one arrives (touch wood) and i'm starting to really feel a bit tired. My back is hugely achey - Mr G has taken B this afternoon to give me a bit of a break. I've no complaints at all though. I've friends around me trying for children who haven't had much luck. That feels very weird indeed. That's my job - to be the unsuccessful one. I try to be sensitive and supportive but without being too pushy as to what's going on for them. One has miscarried and would have been due at around the same time as me. I feel bad just being around her, but see her all the time. I don't want to ask her too much as she's a very private person, but i hope I can do the right thing by her.

I just hope and pray that this little one arrives healthy.

2010-08-01T18:27:00.003Z

It's been a while (again).

I've had a few thoughts over the last 6 weeks but never seem to find time to get them down on screen.

One has been indignation at all the IV.F scare stories. Every day (well almost) one of our daily nationals carries some bad news story about IVF treatment or babies. It's like they're trying to find stuff to wind us up. Some of the recent headlines have been: "IV.F babies more likely to get cancer", "IV.F babies more likely to be still born" and one last week " IV.F mothers more likely to die in childbirth"!

That last one was the most ridiculous. The one example of a mother who had died in childbirth had died when the anaesthetist had put the oxygen tube down the wrong passage. What's THAT got to do with IV.F for goodnessake?!! I'd link to the piece, but it was in our Sunday Times - which has retreated behind a pay wall. I've found a link to the stats in another paper here

I'm willing to accept that there are more older mums which is perhaps as a result of IV.F but enough already with the scare stories. I can come up with enough scarey stuff on my own!

I'm nearly 31 weeks, and, other than being tired, am (touch wood) doing ok. B is as gorgeous as ever. Can sing his whole ABC now - I especially like how he was W - "wubblewoo". SO totally cute!

I'll post more soon. If I keep it short perhaps i'll manage more than one post each 6 weeks!

Happy to have helped

2010-06-21T13:19:00.004Z

I'm now 25 weeks and looking obviously pg. I'm sure you're bored of hearing this by now, but i still feel taken aback by way things have gone. I feel sure our luck has to run out at some point as i've gone from advice we'd never have children of our own to having my wonderful little boy and now a second pregnancy. In my darker moments I worry that this little one may have something wrong with her. How could we really be this lucky? Surely something has to drag us down again. After all, that's the way life has gone so far. Perhaps that's just the mantle of IF that i'll never shake. The belief that we're just not meant to have it easy. I think there's a large helping of survivor's guilt.

Things aren't easy for Mr G and I on the financial front. We've been struggling pretty well since B was born and Mr G has had some bad professional luck over the years since we married. I'm not going to go into it as that would not be right, but it's enough to say that whilst we've had some lucky breaks in our family life, it hasn't crossed into that side of things. Having been through the IF mill though, i'm very aware of my blessings and would not change a thing. You realise what's important when you've fought for fertility.

The story i wanted to tell - and i'm sorry for digressing so far, was about meeting someone in the playground today. I'd travelled to a different area to meet a friend today. Barney and I were playing on one of the big toy cars when another mum and her 2 and a bit yr old came over to share it. She and I got talking and it turned out we were pretty well the same age and had been to neighbouring schools. For some reason - i'm not sure why - i told her that Barney was as a result of several IVF's. She told me her little boy was also an IVF baby - her first attempt, but one she waited 6 months for as her ovaries had not cooperated until she did 6 months of Chinese herbs/acu.puncture etc. She'd been at the evil clinic that told me not to bother.

I told her i'd written about our IF experience in a newspaper and her eyes filled with tears when she told me how she'd read each one and how much it had helped her and her husband. Her parents had refused to talk about it but had also read our columns. I welled up too. I was so pleased that we were able to touch others going through the same thing.

She's been told she shouldn't bother trying for a second child and is having a really hard time of it. I know how she feels but didn't feel there was much I could say to help her. I had all of her feelings, but how can I stand there with a belly full of baby spouting sympathy. It would seem patronising, so I kept schtum. I did tell her to get a consultation at my clinic. Her clinic is all too ready to write off the bad cases in case their numbers are affected, but she might as well get a second opinion. I think a key to all of this is to keep on trying. If i'd given up on their advice, who knows where i'd be now.

AWOL (includes baby stuff)

2010-05-19T20:16:00.004Z

I'm so sorry i've been AWOL for so long. Until i logged in, I didn't realise it had been quite so long.

All's well at this end. I had my 20 week scan yesterday. I'd been building up the nerves, worrying that having been blessed with one healthy IV.F baby, my luck had to run out some time. To be honest, i'm in a pretty permanent state of disbelief most of the time. Having taken 5 tries for B, the success of my one frozen embryo has totally blown me away. How can that have happened? I've long spouted the whole 'it only takes one' line to friends with a low tally (like mine always were) and only half believed it. I always had a low number of perfect looking eggs and never got anywhere with them. I totally didn't expect my last surviving embryo to get me very far. I'm still waiting for it all to go wrong.

I'm conscious that it still could. For now, though, the little one, TP2, is doing me proud. Our scan showed one busy little baby who hardly let the sonographer get a decent shot. The baby kept kicking or punching me where the probe was pushing down and also, at one point giving a full-on wave with both hands, fingers fully outstretched. All bits seemed present and correct - heart, brain, spine, stomach, kidneys, legs, feet, arms, hands etc Phew. The sonographer was thorough and kind. He pointed out the that so long as the baby's measurements were on the graph charts all was well. Average was not necessary. He also said that the lower than average fluid on the brain is a good thing. Had he not, i'm sure i'd have been off panicking later. He also got so excited about the outstretched fingers (apparently fists are normally clenched) that he took heaps of pictures and gave them to us - instead of making us pay - as the sign on the wall demanded.

Mr G was so reassured by the scan that he didn't feel the need for our second 20 week scan which is due tomorrow. Our first was NHS - free as part of our public medicine system. We'd booked the private one before this one as last time, the NHS one was so lacking. This was an entirely different experience.

I'll share with you - although we're only telling our nearest and dearest - that the little one is......a girl. A little girl! Please G-d all continues to be well, B will be a big brother to a little sister. Once again, Mr G and I are stunned and so grateful for where life has taken us.

B continues to be amazing. Here's a gratuitous pic from a proud Mummy:

Please excuse his teething dribble. He has loads of words - well over 50, maybe 100, and learns more every day. I'm totally smitten. He runs any time he gets the chance and is full of kisses and cuddles for us and for other babies and his grandparents. Every day with him is an absolute joy. Thankyou G-d.

Thank you G-d also for the good news i've had this week. A friend has had a BFP after her first FET. She's 42 and her hubbie wasn't going to be up for a second fresh cycle. I'm SO pleased for her as she's wanted to be a Mum all her life. Also thanks due for Becks' safe arrival. Another miracle.

Appreciated

2010-04-03T19:49:00.002Z

Thanks girls for your comments on my last post. It was really interesting to hear all your views and definitely food for thought.

It really felt like a cosy girls' chat - which I suppose is what we're all about.

I was visited by a fellow blogger yesterday. The lovely Almamay brought her gorgeous little boy to meet me when she dropped off my doppler - which i'd lent to her for her pregnancy. For those of you not familiar - she was successful after a gazillion IV.F's. I was (and am) so happy for her. She worked SO hard for her baby and deserves every moment of happiness with him. He's super cute and it was precious to be sitting drinking tea with our 2 boys.

B spent much of the time nagging me to watch "nee naw" (a Fi.reman S.am DVD) or "daktor" (the Little Red Tracktor DVD) or even "choo, choo" (Chugg.ington). I gave in, although we usually try to limit "TD" as he calls it, to an hour after dinner. He came down with a cold last night, so I think he was starting to feel a bit groggy and showed it with extra whinginess.

Last night was a tough one with quite a lot of awake time and a very early start - 5am : ( By 9am, i was exhausted! I took him to the zoo where he was mostly interested in jumping in "pubbles" but also made a crowd of fellow visitors laugh by shouting "meow, meow" non-stop in front of the lion and tiger enclosure. I suppose they ARE big cats. He didn't seem at all phased, even when the (very) big cats were just on the other side of the glass in front of him.

Off to bed in a minute to prepare for another busy night. (No complaints at all - I do truly still feel immensely lucky to be B's mummy and still thank G-d daily. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesey but it's true).

Kicking myself

2010-03-31T20:07:00.002Z

I feel like the person I used to hate. Well, not 'hate' exactly, that's a bit strong. Perhaps 'resent' or maybe 'want to be a million miles from me'.

Two things have happened this week which have made me question my sensitivity. One I don't think was my fault. The other is only down to me, and I think i just got it wrong.

The first relates to a girl I see regularly around the suburb in which i live. I met her through a local Mum's group - her little boy is a couple of months younger than B. The majority of the other mothers I socialise with are falling pregnant. I'd suspected she was one of them. We were out a few weeks ago and she was off the alcohol - along with most of the others. Only 2 were drinking - and one of them was 18 weeks pregnant (!). Of course i said nothing to her - none of my business. I'd told her my news, as the others in our group knew and I didn't want her to feel left out. She gave me a huge hug and seemed genuinely happy for me.

Anyway, last week, after my scan, i'd shared my news with some other friends who didn't already know. She was there and was very quiet. I found out 2 days ago (from someone with a big mouth who should not have shared it with me) that she'd been pregnant and had had her scan that same week. There was no heartbeat. She's waiting for a D&C.

And there i'd been, telling my good news and chatting about my flipping pregnancy and the great scan. Damn, damn, damn. My big fat mouth!

After i'd heard the news, I thought about it overnight, asked for Mr G's advice, and decided to email her to tell her I knew and apologise for last week. She came back and said she'd have told me after it was all over but was very cross with the indiscretion of our mutual friend. (I think I got that wrong too - perhaps should've protected the confidence and not blabbed) I said I was here if she needed anything. Poor, poor girl.

The second bad communication was today. A friend has been worrying about her fertility. She conceived her son (now 3) on her first attempt. (Literally) This time it has been a few months, and she's fretting. At 38, I don't really think she needs to worry just yet - it could take a few months. (I'd still said she might as well get everything checked out, just in case) Anyway, bearing in mind it's a bit sensitive, I wasn't sure how to tell her my news. I thought I had to say something in case she found out from elsewhere. I didn't want to tell her to her face nor by phone, as I thought that would be harder for her to react to if upset.

Soooooo, I decided to tell her by text. (I've just read that and thought - IDIOT!) I really did think it would be kinder. WRONG! She responded to part of my text about meeting up, but totally ignored the pregnant bit. Mr G told he thought i'd got it wrong, so i texted again to apologise and explain. She left me a voicemail saying she thought it was a bit direct as a way of telling her but she was very pleased for us. (We've a history of miscommunication over the years. She hurt me a few times when we were struggling to conceive and she was happily with baby as she just didn't get how I felt.)

Am I my own worst nightmare? I feel like i'm becoming someone I wouldn't like. I don't want to jinx the good luck we've had. Spose i'd better think a bit before I act.

I'm sorry for the vent. I hoped it would help. Not sure it has....

2010-03-25T20:15:00.002Z

Oh my, I had a sleepless night last night. So worried about how the New Passenger (NP) was going to perform today. Then my ex Passenger, my gorgeous boy, woke at 5.30am, chatting about this and that and calling for Daddy or Mummy, and that was that. We were awake with our minds racing.

We'd also had a minor fight over my PIO shot. It flipping hurt and I was sure a nerve had been hit. Mr G had to pull the needle out and put it in again. OUCH! I ended up sobbing dramatically whilst he administered my progesterone. Tensions were running high. (The good news is that was the last one - hurrah!)

After a mad morning, rushing to prepare B's breakfast & lunch, eat something myself, tidy the kitchen, make breakfast for my parents - who were coming to mind B - get a wash on and tidy up for my cleaning lady, we finally left home - only about 30 minutes later than planned. B managed to fall and bite his lip just before we went and extra time was spent mopping up blood and cuddling a sobbing baby.

It felt very peaceful to arrive at the swish scanning place. Weird to be returning.

First the bloods - where the blood letter told me that my risk would be worked out on my age when the embryo was created - 37 and not my ancient, current 41. Then, the scan. All looked good - when the sonographer (a very glamorous lady) was able to catch him or her not moving, that was. NP (measuring in at 63.3mm) was constantly on the move - which was nice.

The result - which i'm sure you're by now impatiently awaiting - was a stress relieving (for now anyway) risk for Down's of 1 in 2911 and 1 in 5377 for the other two Trisomies. Well done NP! Nuchal fold was 1.60mm. Advice was not to go for more invasive tests.

We also heard the little one's heart beating away at 154bpm and both struggled not to lose it. I could see Mr G trying to hold it together.

I'm so relieved but very aware we're just at the start. G-d has smiled down on us once again and we are so very grateful.

I went off to celebrate with the most delicious Blood Orange sorbet from an ice cream parlour close to the clinic. Yum!

All sorts

2010-03-18T17:52:00.003Z

Sorry for not posting for a while. Lovely Betty M checked up on me from the depths of her new baby and post-op sick bed - get well soon my dear.

I've not felt terribly inspired, and when I do post, the comments have been few and far between, so I wasn't sure who's following really. I know Mr G follows me, but then he gets first hand info anyway.

I don't share my stuff just for the feedback but during my deepest darkest hours all your wonderful supportive comments and virtual hugs are what have kept me going. You ladies are very important to me. I'm just not sure who's out there any more.. I read a similar post from Thalia the other day. I'm not sure i ever built such a network as she has, but my little circle seems to have vanished into the ether.

Perhaps i've been AWOL too long to expect much feedback. Any is welcome.

Anyway, my news is that i'm 11 weeks and 1 day today. We had a scan this morning at the clinic and the new passenger (NP) is still there. Heart beating away. We saw fingers, toes and even a brain. Our 12 week Nuc.hal scan is booked for next Thursday 25th. Holding my breath and still not quite believing what's happening to us. Five fresh cycles to get B and one FET with one solitary embryo to get this far. Unreal. I have the odd moment of bubbling excitement in my tummy but try not to go with it. Too early. 41 year old me has even more hurdles to clear than 39 year old me did.

Been glued to a programme called 'One Born Every Minute' It's about a Labour Ward in a hospital - a fly on the wall documentary. I'm very aware I could not have watched it not so long ago - too painful - and that if this all goes wrong, then i will watch it no more. It has me in floods every week.

B continues to be adorable. Lots more words - he's a little parrot - and loads of smiles.

Holding my breath until this time next week. x

Praying and hoping

2010-03-06T10:13:00.002Z

I can never think of an exciting title for my posts. I sit a while before writing and generally come up with something really boring. This time i thought i'd write first and see if something sprang to mind. (Most likely i'll forget and you'll get no title at all!)

Thursday's scan (at 9 weeks and 1 day) brought tears to my eyes for the first time this cycle. The little one has limb buds, big head, shrinking yolk sac (thankfully) a beating heart and even moved when the Doc nudged with the scanning wand. I think the moving was what brought my emotions up.

I exclaimed "I can't believe we've got this far". As usual, he brought me right back down to earth by frowning and reminding me that it's still very early days and that I shouldn't count my chickens just yet.

After the scan, undies and jeans back on and parked on a chair in front of him, I asked him how may people's pregnancies go wrong at this stage. He asked me why I was focussing on the negative and Mr G said it was because I was a pessimist. I laughed, but actually, if the Dr's didn't keep reminding me of all the negatives then perhaps I wouldn't. Any woman pregnant in the normal way would just assume all's well after seeing a heartbeat at this stage. We're simply not allowed to relax and enjoy! I suppose it's also down to my personality and the constant checks and scans, but if the Dr's were a little more hopeful, maybe I would be.

Having said all of that, i don't want to get lulled into too much security before we get to 12 weeks and a nuchal scan. I'll book that if all's well after this week's scan.

I'm still amazed by where I find myself.

This week's otherwise been fairly uneventful. B had his MM.R. I didn't really want to do it as we have 2 au.tistic cousins in my family and although I don't believe that MM.R does cause au.tism, i do worry that if there's a propensity it could tip the balance. Single jabs is not an option as they've run out of one of them - mumps I think. Not immunising is also not an option. If we didn't live so centrally then i might risk it for a bit longer.

Anyway, it's done now and i'm praying he's ok. At 16 months seems ahead of his peers. He has lots of words and understands loads. I hope that continues.

So this week, i'm praying for both my little ones. My gorgeous boy and the little one i'm hoping will be our second miracle.

8 weeks

2010-02-24T13:33:00.002Z

Just a quick post as i'm in need of a nap and B has just gone off to sleep. Don't want to miss my chance as i'm to work tonight - teaching pizza and salad nicoise (yum).

Anyway, the scan this morning showed the embryo - I know it becomes a foetus at some point but not sure when, maybe 12 weeks? - sorry, I've digressed. The embryo has grown and has continues to have a heartbeat. Phew. It was measuring 8 wks 5 days - but then one of the Docs (there were two in with us today) who seemed to be overseeing the scanning Doc who was perhaps learning the machine?) said 'give or take 4 days' which more or less could put us bang on. Double Phew.

The whole experience was fairly stressful as we had to take B with us. Our usual lady couldn't look after him. He went mad for me when I went behind the screen to strip off and then was fussing and moaning when we sat with the Dr's afterwards. (I feel ashamed even mentioning this as i'm well aware i'm immensely lucky to be taking one miracle to watch the other potential miracle)

As a result, Mr G went off in a huff with me because he hadn't been able to participate in the appointment. Not sure why it was my fault. Never mind.

B and I went to treat ourselves to a post-scan Brioche from Le Pain Quotidien. I used to go there and sit in after a successful scan when B was my passenger and drink tea and eat their gorgeous bread with equally gorgeous jams and chocolate spreads. It was truly special taking him in there this time. We didn't sit in as he'd only want to run about. We both enjoyed our brioche though. It was pouring with rain - as it has been for WEEKS now - so we went to West.field (huge shopping centre) and bought vests and PJ's and a "daktor" (tractor) for Barney and shared a sandwich in Benugo sandwich bar whilst playing with said daktor.

I continue to be gobsmacked by all of this. I am starting to relax a little, but I then remember all the ladies i know who've lost the heartbeat at 9 weeks or more and i remember to take each day at a time.

For today i'll enjoy knowing there's a little heart beating inside me. Wow.

2010-02-21T21:50:00.002Z

It doesn't feel right to blah on about my niggles and doubts.

I feel tiny and self-centred for expounding at length about my current fears.

Why?

Because this lady's situation puts it all into perspective. As does the situation this lady finds herself in.

What's wrong with the world when they fight so hard for their babies - which they both finally have - and then the rug is snatched from under their feet?

They've got something to moan about. More than moan actually. Their bravery in getting up each day is an inspiration. I hurt for both of them to my core.

So, when I stress about whether or not I will be able to add to my family - for which i'm hugely grateful, I remember that if I don't, i'll still have my health, my Mr G and my gorgeous B. I thank G-d for all of this several times a day. I pray to G-d that they (Vee and ES) will get through.

I've a scan on Wednesday to see what's going on for me. Til then I shall count my blessings.

One step forward...

2010-02-16T20:03:00.002Z

Monday's scan went fine and I spent much of the rest of the starting to believe that this might turn out ok.

We saw a more defined looking pair of blobby shapes - body and head - the yolk sac and a heartbeat which was, apparently at a good frequency. It measured 12mm. Phew. The scan was with Dr Doom, who has started to warm up a bit with us and was quite upbeat.

Oddly, he ordered HCG and progesterone tests. Progesterone I get, but HCG? Surely we're past that. I was going to query it but thought, 'what the hey, might as well' as I don't want to rock the boat.

All the stats say such great things about a strong heartbeat at this stage with great percentages for likelihood of getting past the 1st trimester (and beyond). Then they go and ruin it by excluding older mothers and IVF'rs. Not too sure where I stand on the older mum thang as this embryo was formed from a 37 year old egg. I hope the various risks are based on that. I'm sure a Nuch.al scan would use that age.

Anyway, the fly in my ointment came at 6ish when Dr Doom rang to tell me that my progesterone has fallen AGAIN. It's gone down to 150 from 185. What's WITH my flipping hormones? I know the level is still seriously high, but WHY is my body going in the wrong direction?!!

I'm guessing if there was an embryo issue the embryo would show signs of flagging. This is my body playing up. Work with me here, love!!

I've got to go in for blood tests (Immunes and full blood count) tomorrow morning. If they can establish what's going on, I suppose they'll change my meds.

This is keeping me on my toes.

I'm still tired (exhausted) and on-and-off nauseous, so my body's doing something right.

Let's see what tomorrow holds...

Anniversaries

2010-02-12T20:41:00.003Z

I've spent the last couple of evenings catching up on Brothers and Sisters. Well, actually, sobbing in front of it.

I love that show. Kitty's just been diagnosed and they're handling the news. I think the US are ahead of us so you may well know where it's all going.

Anyway, I wonder if I would be so emotional if my hormones weren't raging.

Wednesday's scan was fine. Embryo measuring 5.25mm. Not sure if it had grown massively or if it was just the dIfferent machine and different Doc. Whatever. Heart still beating and no more scans until next week. Prog.esterone is up too- highest yet, so also good news.

This weekend marks the anniversary of our baby blessing when we took out little boy up in front of our synagogue community and thanked G-d for giving him to us. It was 14th February because that, in turn, marked exactly a year since our little boy was transferred to my safe care as an embryo. It's one of those memories that will stick in my head forever.

I've a whole raft of those now, good and bad - the phone call telling us that Mr G's fertility was severely impaired, the moment each cycle turned out to be a BFN, the phone call telling us that I was (after cycle 5) pg, Mr G's reaction as he heard me hearing our news, B's first kick in my tummy and the first time Mr G felt one of those kicks, the moment i held B in my arms for the first time and looked him in the eye. Just a few of the moments that have made me feel so good or so bad that they're ingrained in my head.

I've started building them again with this little one, but am too scared at this stage to think too much about it. They'll still be there if this little one isn't here to stay with us, but I don't know yet whether they'll be happy or bittersweet.

Tonight my priority is B who has a stinker of a cold. Poor little thing is so bunged up and has a terrible cough. I hate not being able to help him - he sounds so pitiful crying in his cot.

I've been cooking today for a bed bound ex-neighbour of Mr G's who has asked if I could bring her some food. Steak and kidney pie (filling done in my slow cooker) and a Chicken Cacciatore. She has no teeth and asked that I cook the meat to melting softness. The slow cooker did a grand job of the steak and kidney and I did the chicken on a low heat in the oven and it's literally falling off the bone. I hope that she likes it. We're going to take B up there to (hopefully) put a smile on her face - just so long as his cold's a bit better.

Next scan Monday...

Update

2010-02-08T17:46:00.003Z

The clinic rang with today's results.

HCG up to 15,684 - that's just over double in the 72 hours since last test. Progesterone is up to 163.

Head Doc thinks no need for IVI.g just yet but i'm back in on Wed for another scan to see how the little one's doing.

Feeling a little more like this could go the right way.

xx

An interesting morning...

2010-02-08T13:55:00.003Z

A ver-reee interesting morning indeed.

Us 3 went to the clinic and, as usual we had a long wait for the scan. I felt extremely awkward in a room full of women in treatment and couples there for a "teach" session with B trotting around exclaiming "mummy", "car" and "ra, ra" at random intervals. Wind back 2 years (when i was nearing the end of the cycle that brought me B) and had anyone told me i'd be there with my child one day, i'd have laughed in their face.

Anyway, eventually, we were called upstairs. The receptionist said we'd go straight in but whoever got called up with us did a real sly one and sneaked in ahead of us. There are some things you just don't do - and that's really not playing the game.

Unaware of this, we waited several minutes - probably 10 - outside the door, and, with B getting less and less enamoured of his day trip to a London IV.F clinic (well, return home really) I decided to knock. I opened and saw a Dr and patient (Miss Sly Fox herself) and apologised. What i did clock is that i'd seen that Doc before.

"Goodness!" i said to Mr G "I think the Dr in there is Dr Doom" (not his name, although it might as well have been). Dr Doom was the head honcho from the clinic who told us to give up back in December 2007. The man who damn near broke my heart.

Cut a long story short, when we got in there he introduced himself and it WAS!! I told him, the last time we saw you, you told us we'd never be successful and that you wouldn't treat us any more. We came here and this - gesturing at my little boy - is the result. I've dreamed of telling that man he was wrong and here was my moment. Bizarre.

He has been working for my top Doc for a year now. He said he wanted to do what the top Doc is doing and to learn from him! Mad.

Anyway, cut to the chase - because I know you'll be waiting for this. The scan showed a sac, foetal pole and tiny little heartbeat. Measurement was 4.6mm. All good.

Dr Doom had no idea of where I was at in my treatment - he'd even asked me when I walked in where I was in my cycle(!!!!) I had to tell him what was going on and what drugs I was on. That threw me somewhat and I didn't think to ask about my slow rising levels and up and down progesterone until I was leaving. He said the HCG should be doubling every 2 days - which didn't help my nerves about this - and that the progesterone falling was not good. Great. So, i've a heartbeat - which, to be honest, I couldn't really see, but Mr G says he could - but still a fear of falling.

More bloods were taken today and i've left a message with the clinic asking them to ask the top Doc whether or not IVI.g would help and if the different steroid this time makes a difference.

I'm extremely relieved to see someone in there, but for now, still concerned and, this afternoon, pretty symptomless. : (

5wks5days

2010-02-06T20:48:00.002Z

At times like this, my internet use shoots up. Nothing is more comforting (or, at times, unnerving) than a good trawl. Message boards, quack sites and blogs are all useful fodder. Although, after several years of freaking myself out, i've learned (sort of) when to switch off. It's a hard habit to break though.

My HCG went up to 7105 on Friday. The clinic didn't call until after 6pm, which was stressful in itself. Prog was up to 169, so heading back in the right direction. The numbers hadn't doubled - or even close, but my helpful graph said the increase from start to now was 'adequate'. As there's precisely zero I can do about any of this, i've just got to go with it.

The nurse - who wasn't overly confident and who is, I suspect, quite new to the job - agreed the rate had slowed down but said the top doc wasn't worried. He'd ordered me to stick with my meds and come in for a scan on Monday or Tuesday. No more bloods til then.

Monday OR Tuesday..... Eeeeeeerm, let me see. Monday or Tuesday? Like there's a choice!!!! I'm booked in for 9am Monday morning, when Mr G, B and I (no one to sit for us) will be waiting to hear what's happening in there. I'm in a strange place because of those numbers, but like Betty M said, perhaps the continual testing is counterproductive.

Symptom-wise, i've had on and off nausea (particularly in the morning but lots of the day), dragging tiredness and a bit of edginess. There's the odd cramp too.

I'm convinced now that B was one of two. Those numbers were SO high. Of course that means that his co-embie disappeared at some point which THEN means i'm more anxious i've only the one embie in there to lose! Too much thinking. So, i prefer to read other people's stories and take my mind of my own.

Two more sleeps and we MAY have an idea what's what. Obviously with these numbers and at only 6 weeks there's every chance it'll be too early for a heartbeat. We'll cross that bridge as and when.

Just a quick one as it's late

2010-02-03T21:41:00.004Z

...i've worked tonight and am working tomorrow so must get to bed.

Monday's beta was not quite double at 2359 and today's was again, almost but not quite double at 4584. As they are consistent and when plugged into a clever graph on babymed.com which i tried to link up but which hasn't worked.

The slight concern I have is that my progesterone is falling. 175 then 161 and today, 131. The nurses tell me not to be concerned but, obviously, I am. Not sure what to take from that. I'm busily shooting up with Gest.one but it's an uphill battle.

Aside from that I'm doing ok. I must think to myself "Oh my goodness, I'm pregna.nt!" about,errrrrm, 20,000 times a day.

It's SUCH a novelty. I know i've done it before, but this is somehow different. I'm not sure why. Perhaps because i'm the luckiest girl in the world to have my little boy and i'm not sure i've any more luck due. (I so hope I am) I'm well aware this could vanish in a heartbeat - or lack of one - but for now, i'm allowing myself moments of enjoying the thought that, like normal fertile folk, i've got a little boy and a potential second one in my belly. I can't quite believe it but also can't quite let myself go with it as that'd open me up to the huge fall if (when?) this goes south.

I've met a new IF friend. We kept bumping into each other at the clinic and clicked right away. I was with B and, embarrassed and sensitive to being the lady with a baby at the IF clinic felt the need to announce he was the result of my 5th IV.F AND at that clinic.

She was on her 5th IV.F and had, for the first time got a decentish beta. However, her scores were at times not doubling and weren't huge. Sadly, her pregnancy turned out to be ectopic. I so felt for her and wanted to let her have my number to talk but felt odd about it. I happened to stalk her out from her messages on an IF message board site and she got back to me straight away. We've become friendly and she was able to lend me some drugs yesterday when my pharmacy let me down. She even offered to drive them round at 10pm. I didn't take her up on that but popped over to see her today and met her Mum. She's a sweetie and i'm immensely grateful that people like her are about. I hate IF but it's amazing how there's a camaraderie in all being in this together. I'm sure she'll get there, she's SO close.

Better get to bed now.

Thanks to those that have popped by to congratulate.

xx

Still holding my breath

2010-01-30T14:43:00.002Z

Just heard from the clinic and we're now up to 1340. That embryo is motoring.

My progesterone is a mood (un)enhancing, husband snapping, nerve fraying 173. We're really feeling that one - or at least Mr G is. Not that he's being noble about it. He just keeps telling me how highly strung I am and that i need to calm down. I KNOW THAT!!!!! (Said in shouty voice) Not that easy when you're pumping syringes full of chemically induced hormonal angst into your butt muscles every night. I wonder if normal pg women are terrorists?

Never mind, it's all in a good cause. The best cause.

It's bitterly cold again and there was a thin layer of snow out there when i left for today's beta. They didn't tell us that was coming. It melted in Central Lon.don when the sun actually came out today. Long may that continue.

I'm writing a piece for a restaurant mag and struggling to concentrate. I've visited 2 cafes in the last couple of days that i'd like to write about - one excellent one in Hampst.ead - Ginger & White and a second, in Maryleb.one, which was also worth a return visit - mostly for the ice cream bar part of it, called Cocorino. Whilst i've enjoyed gorging myself on cranberry granola, porridge, oreo cupcakes and red velvet cupcakes, banana caramel cake and olive bread, i've still not really got it nailed and have a deadline looming. My brain has been a bit (entirely) ambushed by this embryo. I need to find a bit of focus.

B started swimming lessons yesterday. We both went and Mr G went in. I should have vanished, because my screaming son only wanted me. I ended up borrowing a swimsuit and going in to hold him. Once he'd seen other babies enjoying themselves and worked out it could be fun in there he released his clamped arms and legs from around me and started to actually enjoy himself. I backed off so Mr G could do the Daddy thang as planned and they had a great time splashing around. He was enjoying it so much that when it was time to give back the float to the teacher he just said "na" and snatched it away from her. He was so happy on our drive home - I hope next week starts where we left off...

Next beta is on Monday. We're catching up with B's scores, but still only about half of what they were last time. Main thing is that it's moving.

Today's scores

2010-01-28T14:54:00.004Z

This morning's HCG (15dp3dt) was 495. More than double Tuesday's score. Funnily enough, i'm feeling less pg than ever.

I get the odd moment of nausea or light headedness and the tiredness, but it's so early, there's a lot of disturbingly normal time.

That said, this little embryo does seem to be hanging on in there. (I hate even saying it just in case i jinx anything!)

I'm exhausted. It's partly my body feeling tired but more because of my own anxiety and B's continued early wake ups. I can usually doze when he wakes at 5 something in the morning and starts trotting out his vocabulary of about 10 words. Well, he mostly says "Daddy" and "Car" with the odd "Mama" to make me feel better. At the moment, i'm up as soon as he is and up we both stay. Both of us in our own beds. Me silent. Him increasingly noisy until it reaches a fever pitch of "come and get me" wails and Mr G goes in to get B up.

I'm still awaiting my instructions from the clinic for today (at 6pm!) but imagine it'll be a blood test on Saturday morning.

I'll post again when i've got more to say. Feeling a bit monosyllabic today.

Oh - went to work last night which was full-on but fun. Taught apple tarts with creme anglais and spinach, bacon and mango salad. A new group of demanding beginners but i'm sure they'll improve. I had to 'fess up to my colleague what's going on for me as I need to avoid heavy lifting just for now. She told me she did years of IVF and then adopted. IF truly is all around.

Movin' on up ...

2010-01-26T17:52:00.004Z

...to 195 today.

Not double, but then it's only 24 hours. I'll be back in on Thursday for another blood let.

I still have a niggling worry about these numbers compared to B's. He doubled in 24 hrs from 330 to 660 AND my progesterone was double what it is now. I KNOW every pregnancy is different, but i'd feel a whole lot better if this little one could catch up even a little. Perhaps it's my nature to fret and I should shut up and enjoy but I do feel that this is all a bit too good.

I'm feeling super tired and on-and-off nauseous and really suffering strong smells. Had a sleep earlier which has helped.

This is all so weird - i feel i'm in a halfway sort of a place. I'd forgotten how stressful this first few weeks is. I'll just try to immerse myself in B stuff. I don't want him to have a distracted mother because of all of this.

I can't quite believe i'm pregnant.

I called my mum and stepdad, who've been in Australia with my brother since early December. I hadn't told them we were doing the FET - no sense in having her worry and spoil her trip. She was gob smacked. I woke them up early and when my stepdad asked what was going on she said "Portia's pg". That sounded SO strange and 'out there'. It was a wonderful moment though to have told her like that. Something i've dreamed of.

Please let this little bundle make it to real, live, babyhood.

Trust in the sticks

2010-01-25T14:41:00.003Z

...cos they're telling the truth and now i must buy more and more and more, because.....

....my beta results came back at 106. Not the whopper score in the 300's that I had with Barney, but apparently (so the clinic tell me) frosties take a bit longer to get going.

OMG. I seem to be pregnant and i'm stunned.

When the head nurse of the clinic called to tell me I cried. I was pushing B's buggy down the street.

It's almost too good to be true and a little nagging voice is saying "things like this don't happen to you without a lot more angst and pain. Wait and see...something'll go wrong in a while." I'm not going to listen to it - well i'm trying not to.

I think i'll do some googling to establish where my beta sits in the scale of things and, for a while, i'll sit and smile like a looney. I really can't believe this has happened. Fingers crossed that tough little frostie (from my very first cycle) continues to do it's stuff, that I continue to do mine and the wonder clinic do theirs.

Thanks girls for being there for me. Again. xx

ps: BeeCee - i m sorry i managed to delete your last comment, but as we've been in touch via txt i hope that makes up for it.
pps: the pic is not of my sticks, just the same brand. I'll try to shoot mine for posterity.

12p3dt

2010-01-25T09:02:00.003Z

Woke at 5.50am - ahead of B for once and after lying there a while decided it was time to POAS.

This morning's stick was darker and i'm now feeling a bit symptomatic. Sense of smell is stronger and some nausea - surely way too early for that - and some major tiredness, but that could well be the lack of sleep the last few nights. There's a little part of me is concerned i'm thinking myself into it.

Went for my beta and now just gotta wait.....

tick tock tick tock

Hmmmm

2010-01-24T14:38:00.002Z

So I caved.

Tested this morning and got a v faint BFP. Not so faint you had to examine it with a magnifying glass and torch, but not the deep, dark lines I got at 14dp3dt last time. It came up reasonably fast too.

You'd think we'd be jumping around and I want to be excited, but the line is so faint that i'm not sure I can be. Last time, my HCG was 300ish on day 12. If it was even half of that today, it would be MUCH darker. I thought of asking to have my beta moved up to today, to sort this out, but decided i'd like to stay in this twilight almost PG world just a little longer. Problem is, i've next to no symptoms again. Very occasional cramping and perhaps the slightest swelling of the boo.bs. Oh, and also some dizziness and light headedness.

Perhaps this is chemical. No point second guessing. I'll use the second stick later or tomorrow and the bloods will give me more of a clue.

Goodness gracious me this embryo is giving us a run for our money.

Weird place

2010-01-23T11:24:00.003Z

I'm too scared to test.

I have NO idea how I got to the beta last time without testing. How can I go to the test place on Monday morning without having first got an idea of what the scores on the doors might be. BUT this time i'm too scared to test. I had no test kits at home last time and refused to buy one as I was too superstitious.

This time i've given in and added to my internet grocery shop a sneaky HPT kit. Somehow that felt less 'naughty' than going into the chemist. It was, of course, the first thing i laid my hands on when i unpacked the groceries last night. I looked at it a little and took it straight to my bathroom where i hid it on a high shelf behind my jumbo box of tampons. The shelves are glass so I can still see the bottom of the box but i'm trying not to look.

I woke at 4am needing the bathroom and lay wondering if i should test, but I sort of like this place where i'm "almost pg". Where I can daydream of what might be. [I typed some daydreams there, but had to delete them, because it felt too 'out there' in print.]

One of the websites calls this place 'PUPO' - which i imagine means pg unless proven otherwise. (I'm sure that's a common term) It's a better place to be than - where i'll be after a BFN. I didn't test, but couldn't get back to sleep until almost 6am when B started chattering so i'm now a bit zombied.

Emotionally this really isn't as bad as last time although Mr G says it's harder for him. The only way it's harder is because i have now had a BFP and am second guessing myself wondering if this is like that - sadly it doesn't seem to be as I have next to no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Except for some cramps. No AF yet. As i'm not nearly as drugged up as last time should AF not be here by now? I'm on day 31 of my cycle. But then maybe not, as i ovulated really late this month. Who knows!

I spent yesterday afternoon in a room of pg women. My NCT (childbirth class - not sure if you have an equivalent where you are?) group met. Of the girls who had their first with me, 4 are already well on their way to their second. There was a lot of bump patting and pg chatter. I know I should be gracious and happy for them but i find it hard and, at times painful. Guess i'll just have to get over myself...or stop seeing them. I got a bit comfortable in the fertile world there being matey with them. i should know better!

I do think we'll have to try again now. A friend I saw on Thursday has 2 girls. The first conceived naturally, the second after 2 rounds of IV.F. She conceived her little girl (3 months younger than B) at 41 and was just 42 when she was born. I could do that.... Will - with Mr G's permission - find out about the next steps as soon as we can.

2 4 6 and 7dp3dt

2010-01-20T14:05:00.007Z

The number of posts i have written to date and where i am in my 2WW.

Symptoms
Thought i'd update so i've some record of how things have been going.

I've had fairly bad cramps pretty much since transfer. Today's the first day it's not been quite so bad. I THINK that's when AF (still hating that term but too lazy to think of an alternative) tends to show up. It all goes quiet on the western front and then BOOM, in she charges giving me the fright of my life. (I'm still half hoping she won't show up, but do need to be careful with my optimism)

I can still feel the trembling shock of the discovery of AF's arrival during my 2.WW of each cycle. I go into shock which only really turns into full-on misery hours later. I'm now on high alert Kn.icker Watch now, expecting bad news every visit to the little girls' room. All my previous failures have ended around day 10 or 11, and they were without the glorious Gest.one, so who knows what will happen this time.

I'm fully on board the rollercoaster. Spent yesterday moping around West.field shopping centre because I was sure AF had arrived or was about to and today, as my boo.bs are making their presence felt (and why wouldn't they be after a week pumped up on proges.erone) i'm feeling in with a chance. They're not exactly tender but 'full' - perhaps TMI.

I went for a muddy walk with B and a friend and felt lightheaded walking up the hills. Won't be fooled by that one either, as i've had that every cycle no matter what. It was good to keep occupied though and really helped take my mind off things. Oh, and i've no tiredness, but then i'm not sure you would feel tired at this early stage anyway.

On Monday, a friend visited and took some lovely pix of my little boy, so here's a gratuitous shot of me and he, to break up all this text:
For the record he does have more than one sweater, but, as you can see, I really like this one and he'll grow out of it soon, so it gets a lot of wear!

Other stuff
I've been trying to eat healthily - good for me whichever way this goes - and have made some yummy meals this week. (If i say so myself)

I'm really into beetroot at the moment and served a roasted beetroot, yoghurt and dill salad with smoked haddock fish cakes last night. If beetroot wasn't such hard work i'd make it all the time.

Night before I ate a beef casserole (made in the slow cooker I got from Mr G for Xmas) which took me straight back to my mother's casseroles that we'd eat as children. It was just missing peas, which i love when they've cooked ages in a casserole to a dark olive squidginess. I've also made baked red cabbage and apple in the slow cooker which was also yummy. It really makes a difference to flavours.

Tonight i've 2 sea bass to cook and have yet to decide what to do with them. I want to try a new recipe using parsnips to so with them too. Just realised Mr G's out so might have to freeze the fish. I've some gingered chick peas - also done in slow cooker - which would go well with a baked potato. If you're not already asleep from my food filled ramblings, i'm done now! xx

Lucky i'm not (too) superstitious

2010-01-17T10:53:00.002Z

After I saw 2 magpies (meant to be good news) before my 2nd IC.SI BFN, i've stopped believing in good or bad omens.

Lucky, as i've had two things happen this morning. Firstly, one of B's bottles had a crack in it which i didn't notice til it kept on leaking everywhere. Then, just now, as i was pouring boiling water into a mug, the mug cracked and hot water went flooding everywhere. Glad i wasn't holding the mug.

2 cracked vessels in a morning. Could get me worrying about something, but no point. What will be will be.

Enjoying my Gest.one again (not) and already sore on both sides. Did my own jab last night, which was not easy as it's near on impossible to pull the plunger out a bit to check for blood. Decided just to press on. Proud of myself for managing though. A big psychological hurdle passed. That needle is SO scary.

Feeling a bit distant from B as Mr G keeps taking him to give me a break. Better go and put my feet up for a short while.

x

Back on Gestone

2010-01-15T19:15:00.002Z

I think my earlier post might be taken as the ramblings of a drugged up loon. I'm not sure quite what i meant as I think actually IV.F is all about survival and nothing more. Maybe it comes down to who can survive it intact.

I've heard from the clinic. A call at 16.30 to tell me to start on Gest.one : ( As i had not Gest.one knocking about (funnily enough) nor a prescription for some, I wondered how I was meant to do that. The helpful embryologist who called said she'd get a script ready and would hang around til i could get there.

Lucky we live close to the clinic. Many others would be drugless tonight.

It has, of course, sent me into a spiral of gloom. If my Progesterone is low that must be BAD news! She told me it hasn't fallen, it could just be higher. Hmmmmmm... They'll test again on Sunday.

Can you be 'good' at IV.F?

2010-01-15T12:11:00.002Z

We've been discussing whether or not we'd go again. (If this cycle fails that is)

There's every possibility. Mr G said i was 'good' at IVF. That it suited me. He said I like a structure and a project, a bit of planning, research and organisation.

I think what he saw was my taking control. IF makes you lose control over your life. I've been used (as most of us are) to being in charge of my destiny - as far as you can be. Having it taken out of your hands is petrifying. Reclaiming control - through finding the best clinic, researching everything to the nth degree and speaking to everyone I could about it made me feel back on top of things again.

Nonetheless, it made me think. Can anyone be better or worse at this? Does it suit some more than others? Definitely the result is irrelevant to how able you are to cope with it.

Am still hanging out at home. Will take it a bit easy until the weekend's over. I figure that if this embryo wants to stick around it will have made its mind up by then. After that it's just a matter of taking care of myself.

I've discovered i'm a useless blogger. I was trying to see how I did last time and my blog entries are RUBBISH! I've no idea how i was feeling for much of the 2WW. For the first two cycles i recorded every niggle and cramp but i'd obviously got over all of that by then. If anyone was checking out my history for some clues of how it feels to be pg or of how i was coping it just isn't there!

For the record, i feel pretty normal. The odd lower back cramp but nothing else except stressy moments.

I do seem to be having a reaction to the Rito.drine - a drug to stop muscle spasm of the uterus. It makes me jittery and anxious - the last thing i need right now. I can stop if necessary and may well do if it doesn't improve. No mention of that in my record of last time. Also no mention of which steroids I was on last time. I'm sure they were different. Again, never mind. Doesn't make much difference. They've decided no IVI.g for me this time and no Ges.tone. That may change today when I get the results of this morning's Prog test. Of course, i'm worrying that i'm NOT on those now as they worked last time!

For now, i'll keep on drinking the water, lying low and chilling. Just got to take B for his jabs this afternoon. Poor little lamb's going to HATE it : (

deeper and deeper

2010-01-13T14:37:00.003Z

Soooooooooooo, at 8.30am the clinic calls. The embryo has done its thing and divided into a lovely 8 cell-er. They want us to go in in 1 hr and 30 mins to have it transferred. It's pouring with snow (does it 'pour' with snow or is there some other verb?) so they say not to stress over timings. Get there when we can.

Eeeeek.

I simply wasn't imagining this would happen. The 50:50 chance of a successful thaw has gone our way. Not only that, but apparently the embryo is almost top class, just a little bit of fragmentation knocking it off the top spot.

Blimey.

I'm playing with Barney and grinning like a lunatic. I HATE this! It's the top of the rollercoaster. The bit where you smile, you laugh and all's groovy. I've been here before. We're in with a chance.

I'm so unprepared for this. I've done no 'prep'. No depriving myself from caffeine, no acupuncture course, no vitamins or other paraphernalia. This can't be IV.F. IV.F doesn't work like this.

On the way in, I called two local acupuncture clinics to see if it'd be worth doing a post-transfer session. Both said yes. One (the lady who did my treatment pre and post last time) said she'd squeeze me in for pre and post. Bingo.

And then we're there. Back in the room where Barney joined us. The head Doc shaking our hands. Almost 2 years to the day. (Barney was transferred on 14th Feb) Everyone was lovely, but how weird. I left with a huge list of drugs to start. The usual, Cle.xane, Cyclo.gest, Prednis.olone, Ritodr.ine and aspirin. No I.VI.g this time. At least that keeps the cost down a little.

Mr G's started looking forward but I can't, can't, can't imagine it working. This is dangerous. Like the first cycle when you know it's not likely to succeed, but when it doesn't, the disappointment hits you like a ton of bricks and shoves you over into a hopeless, black precipice. We all know of top class embryos that have hit the dust. Still, the stakes are so different, there's a little boy living with us now. It must surely hurt less.

Luckily we had a sitter booked for today. She's hanging on to help out with B today whilst I loll in my bed. Mr G's on high stress alert and wants me off my feet and not lifting as much as possible. Yeah right. I've now told a few close people what's going on, but only on a 'need to know' basis.

Heard from the embryologists

2010-01-12T13:15:00.003Z

My hormones must've been fine. I took a call during Rock-a-bye (music class) to hear they were thawing our embryo right then. They'd call me back within the hour. I went back to chasing a toddler more interested in the radiators and buggies parked around the walls than in the lady at the front.

I took the second call whilst walking in our (frosty, freezing) local park with Barney, a local Mum friend and her little boy.

Our 4 cell embryo defrosted ok, but they want to hold off on transfer until they've seen if it continues splitting. We'll know tomorrow what the score is.

I had tears in my eyes when the embryologist told me the news. Darn. And there I was thinking i was pulling off the world's first emotionally detached cycle. They'll let us know tomorrow if it's lasted the night and if we're to go in for transfer.

Mr G said (and he's right) that this feels like we're testing the water for another fresh cycle. It does feel like i'm observing all the girls at the clinic going through their cycles. He seemed open to more fresh cycles. Am I? I think so, but part of me feels we should quit whilst we're ahead. We're a bit old for all of this.

I'm very aware of my age - even though I don't feel it especially. When they do your blood test they ask you your date of birth. I used to announce mine loud and proud, but this time I whisper it. I don't hear any other children of the 60's. The girls sitting beside me in the queue are all of 70's. Even those born in the early 70's are all pushing 40 and i'm well past that milestone.

Anyway, B's asleep and I need to have a lie down. Been going to bed too late and am feeling it. I've also got cooking lessons to plan. Wonder what tomorrow will bring for that microscopic ball of cells.

Happy New Year

2010-01-11T18:58:00.004Z

BEFORE I START I SHOULD SAY THIS SECTIONS HAS POTENTIALLY HIGHLY OFFENSIVE TO IVF'ERS SO HOLD OFF ON READING IF YOU'RE FEELING SENSITIVE.

Gosh, it's been so long since i published a real, live blog entry, i'm feeling a bit strange about posting. I feel a bit outside the clique.

I've kept my eye on my ladies and even commented on a few. I'm still the IV.F guru to my nearest and dearest and. I'll always be infertile and IF will be a large part of my life.

I just don't feel I can get quite as comfortable in that world. Where once I could walk in heave off my shoes and have a good old vent about life with friends who shared my emotions, I don't feel I've liberty to moan about my wanting for a second child when there are countless others still waiting for one. How dare I?

But every time yet another of the girls in my NCT (childbirth) peer group announces their second pregnancy ("oh i really didn't think it would happen so soon!!!") it's a kick in the guts and it takes a few days to shake off the grey cloud that sits Linus-like, over me.

I don't feel connected with them - the fertile majority, discussing 'when' not 'if' they'll have their babies. Accidental pregnancies and 'first go' conceptions abound. I'm not one of them and I don't want to know about it. I'd be fine living in a little bubble of me, Mr G and B, as then I'd feel ok about my one, gorgeous adorable child. More than ok, blessed. Totally and utterly. I love him so very much. Here's a gratuitous pic

I didn't come online to moan though. I came online to report that we're finally close to finding out if that lonely embryo has any chance of making it further than the 2 days of existence it has reached. I've been visiting the clinic for the last few days for bloods and scans and they called today to say they MIGHT attempt a thaw tomorrow.

The solo embryo has travelled across town and is waiting patiently for its big moment. It has a 50:50 chance of defrosting and then a itty, bitty chance of making it to a real, live pregnancy. If it's not going to make it then i'd almost rather we don't get past the defrost. I'll be upset, certainly, but at least I won't spend a fortnight obsessing, injecting £'s and £'s worth of drugs and fantasising about a future little P.

I'm playing all of this down - to myself even. I keep reminding myself it's SO unlikely to work - but who am i kidding? Which IV.F cycle isn't followed by a huge emotional precipice from which you spend the next few weeks crawling out of? It's like a woman saying that she doesn't get emotionally involved after s*x. Yeah, right.

So, in the next few days we'll know the score and then Mr G and I can decide what next. Are we too old to try IV.F again? Do we have the stomach for it? Are we brave enough to try adoption? Who knows? If only it were as easy as the happy accidents that happen all around us. But then, perhaps we wouldn't appreciate what we've got as much as we do.

Not this time

2009-09-27T18:40:00.003Z

We decided no to go ahead this month. I felt so sick for so long I think it affected my ovulation - that, or i'm just useless with the sticks.

I tested for a few days, didn't get a result, stopped. I thought i'd missed the surge so I went in for a blood test on day 18 and the clinic said it looked like i hadn't "surged". Eh? Weird as my cycle's never more than 27/28 days. They said test some more (Boo) and come back on Monday if you still haven't surged.

Surprise, surprise, no surge so i'll go in for another £30 blood draw to see what's what. Looking like i might need a H.RT (drug controlled) F.ET. I'm not sure i like it being called H.RT - makes me feel like a lady in meno.pause not one attempting to reproduce. Other bummer is that they're not likely to let me cycle in December, because although they work all hours, the Immune test clinic in the US doesn't so they couldn't get those tests done then. A pain, but not the end of the world.

I feel relaxed about all this now - for the obvious reason that i've a baby sleeping in the room next door. As time goes on i'll be less calm about timing - esp as 41 is fast approaching - and i might regret this farting about. Still, gotta do what's right now, and we don't have much choice anyway.

BTW - i'm delighted that two of my long term IF buddies have had recent BFP's. Makes me smile every time I think of how they must be feeling. It's the most wonderful time - like the lead up to Xmas. Even if I never get to experience that feeling again, i'm so, so grateful to have been there.

Mr G's currently at syn.agogue as tonight is the start of Yo.m K.ippur. We've a lot to thank G-d for - our prayers have truly been heard and answered and for that we're blessed. I'm fasting this year - last year I couldn't as I was pg with B. As i've been sick and am still coughing up gunk, i may allow myself water, but will try to do my best to honour the fast.

Oh, finally - how awful is that story in the US about the lady who's had to give up her baby to the couple who are his biological parents. She's grown that baby and given birth and now has to give it away. I read that she's not allowed to carry another pregnancy - couldn't find out why - so her last chance was wrecked by stupid idiots. How could they ever compensate her for that? Goodness only knows. My heart goes out to her. I know she already has children, but that can never be easy.

Treatment update

2009-09-19T10:23:00.002Z

Second post of the day. On treatment. My scan on Thursday (mid-cycle) went fine. I've a follie on my R ovary ready to go. All bits still in place. I was told to start the pee.sticks to predict ovulation. I HATE doing those. It brings all the stuff back more than anything else. Last sticks I did were good news. Feels like a huge step back in time. Why can't this just happen? Why must we have to rely on all this flipping medical stuff.

I suppose, if we were younger, we might give it a year or so trying naturally, but then that's pretty stupid as our chances without ICSI are pretty well nil, so who'm i kidding?

The Dr at the clinic has said we can do this cycle as the F.ET if we like. Like now. Not next month. No build up. Next week.

Didn't see THAT coming. Now not sure what to do. In some ways, i'd like to get on with it without time to get nervous and hopeful, especially since it has such a low chance of success. In other ways, i feel that perhaps I should have done more prep, like like acu.puncture or eating well to be in good condition and should have arranged some help for the 2WW. But then, there might not even be a 2WW, and there I go getting all ahead of myself!

Final factor in the decision, and possibly the main one, is that if i'm feeling so sick, it's probably not the best idea to do this next week. If we don't do it this month, we'll probably have to wait until December, as we're off for a 2 week holiday (how exciting) to Is.rael in November. Can't wait. Might be best to chill out, enjoy the hols and round off the year by seeing if the frostie is in our future.

We need to decide in the next couple of days. I've a day to myself - well, a few hours whilst Mr G's out with B - and i'll try to take it easy. A bit of last night's Strictly (hurrah) and some chicken soup (that's gotta do the trick) and maybe a warm bath. Mmmmmm..... xx

Bleurch

2009-09-19T09:19:00.004Z

I am feeling SO rubbish it's not true.

On Tuesday - day of the big talk (more on that later) I woke with a sore head. I thought it was down to the big glass of rose and half glass of champagne i'd sunk the night before, party animal that i am...not. I'd been out to a pub to meet some of my new local friends, and drunk quickly on an empty stomach. I took painkillers and got through my performance.

I felt more achey all day and had to stop for Nu.rofen during the afternoon when out returning winter coats (bought 4, took back 4, then bought 2, will take back one, hurray) whilst my Mum minded B. Woke up Tuesday feeling AWFUL. Temperature of more than 38 and aches, tiredness, plegmtastic etc Hasn't really improved over the week, but my temperature has come down a bit. I've got loads of stuff on my chest that i'm coughing up and my head's packed with so much gunk all i can hear is ringing. Have had no help with B until yesterday when my in-laws AND parents turned up to help.

Mr G is taking B to his folks to eat the New Year (Jewish) lunch that I was meant to eat with them. I'll stay here and rest and recover.

The talk went well. The ladies were all charming. Judith J.ones was a little stand offish, but she's also v deaf, so that may have been part of the reason. Here's a pic of me and them
I'm the one trying to get away with wearing a maternity dress because I didn't have much else to wear!
B was a star. The centre where I chaired the talk is a Jew.ish cultural centre and many of the folk had read our tale of IV.F. They were very keen to meet THE baby.

Will blog on treatment news in next entry. Thought it best to keep this short. xx

Julie & Julia

2009-09-13T07:39:00.002Z

Got out to the cinema for the first time in MONTHS last night.

I'm interviewing a lady called J.udith Jones on Tuesday as part of the Ham and High Lit Fest - H&H being the paper i wrote for full time and now do part-time. My event is here

J.udith Jones was the publisher who first discovered Julia C.hilds. She' s now 80 something and still working hard. When I agreed to do the event I had no idea who she was. I'm now quite nervous but also excited. What an opportunity to network with some fantastic women!

Anyway, I thought I should see the movie before Tuesday and I'm so glad i did. It's fantastic. I enjoyed every minute and was so engrossed that I laughed, welled up, sighed, exclaimed etc throughout. I felt so much in common with both ladies, who were both as into their food as I am and who managed to make it their careers. Mr G said so much of it reminded him of me.

What I didn't know and what was touched on very lightly was that JC was infertile. She passed a pram early on and made a face, and later in the film, burst into floods of tears when her sister wrote to her to tell her she was pg. It made me cry. I so felt her pain with her. We've all been there and we'll all keep on going back there.

I realised i'm pretty emotional at the moment. Not sure if it's because we're heading into our journey to try for B's sibling or what really. All around me women are deciding when they're going to try for their second, like they just can - and they can. Some are already pg. It makes me so angry that we just can't do that. They take that luxury for granted. not even realising what a blessing that is. I know we have our blessing, but this time i'm not apologising for how I feel. This never goes away and will always cause Mr G and I pain. Obviously we do still have B and that makes a huge difference, but we're still not like all those carefree fertiles.

Anway - go see the movie if you haven't already. It's excellent. (Not sure if they're trying to make the point that if JC had had children she might not have written the book nor if i'm a little uncomfortable about that, but perhaps that's getting a little 'deep' about the whole thing)

This n that

2009-09-09T18:48:00.002Z

First, a big shout out to my wonderful BeeCee who'd had fantastic news. I cannot begin to say how excited I am for her!

A few little changes in both my sides of the early stages of quest for B's sibling:

Frozen Cycle
Spoke to both clinics about moving my one solitary frostie from old clinic to new one. Various forms must be signed and transport arranged. I could pay someone called Costa £150 to move the embie across London or I could borrow a Transporter (which sounds a bit S.tar Tre.k) from new clinic and make the journey myself.

Or I could leave it there and have old clinic transfer the embryo. That would be the least trouble and cheapest option. New clinic's frozen cycle is about 1/2 the cost of their fresh cycle which in turn is double that of other clinics. The cost is likely to be the same as a whole fresh cycle elsewhere. As the chances of a safe defrost are only about 50% then i must be mad throwing our money away like that.

The big BUT is that new clinic did something that meant I have B. Maybe it was just the right egg/embryo but maybe it was their much longer and more careful transfer procedure - without scan, unlike every other clinic. If it fails - as is likely - then i'd rather it failed at new clinic where I know i've given it my best shot.

What do you think? Should I just get it defrosted and transferred and not spend too much on it? Throw everything at it as who knows if i'll be able to face IV.F again? Waderidoo?

Adoption
Met a girl at a local playgroup with two gorgeous little girls. One, mixed race and one white. Turns out they're adopted and are sisters - both with a Polish mother. They were living with different families - i don't know the detail just yet as I was also chasing B around and listening from afar - and she's adopted them and they're now reunited with her as their Mum. She had their snacks in the same green rucksack I use for baby snacks. I got it 'free' from the drug company to carry my Pu.regon. I knew she had to have an IV.F history but she'd obviously got her happy ending via adoption.

I struck up a chat with her over the rucksack and we're meeting up next week to talk about how she adopted her little girls. It didn't sound quite as grim as I expected so perhaps there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Monitored Cycle
Found out my stats for this month. FS.H was EIGHT! EIGHT! I haven't had a score in single figures since I was 37. LH, Oestradiol and Prolactin also all checked out in the normal range. I'm sure i've not had a fertility renaissance, but it was SO encouraging not to have gone through the fertile ceiling just yet.

I just know i'm going to be in turmoil over what to do. Mr G and I will have some soul searching to do over B's sibling and whether we're strong enough to weather more treatment or even the pressures of adoption.

Adoption sure ain't the easy route

2009-09-04T08:15:00.002Z

Whilst we're going to use our frostie we're well aware of the miniscule chances of that working.

So, we're also looking at adoption - something we'd already decided we'd like to do to grow our family. I spoke to Norwood yesterday. They're the adoption agency we'd like to use and who we spoke to before IV.F 5 worked.

I've spoken to two social workers in the last couple of days. The first started by telling me they couldn't help us (full stop).

Good start.

She said that our local council don't have a contract with them (Norwood) for international adoption. I said we'd consider domestic now (unlike last time) so perhaps she COULD help us. A friend (who i don't know very, very well) had just arrived at my flat as I took the call so i said i would have to speak later. The (Anti)Social worker told me someone else would call the next day.

Next day a more social worker called. We had a more productive chat, but one which was perhaps even more frustrating. She told me that as a white, Je.wish couple we had zero chance of adopting a baby (young or old) in this country or adopting a smallish child without siblings. (Door slams in face)

She went on to say that international adoption (from Russia most likely) was our only real chance. (This is going to cost no less than £35-40,000!!!)

Despite the fact we are now 40 (41 in December) and 42, we are also too early to apply to adopt at all as B is too young!! He will need to be at least a year before they'll even talk to us. This is to give a big enough age difference between him and the adopted baby. THEY WON'T EVEN TALK TO US YET despite the fact there's less than two months til he's one!

Sooooooo - if we want to adopt a child that has no parents of his or her own, we'll need to wait until our mid 40's (as it'll take a couple of years once we start) AND spend a HUGE sum of money we don't really have.

It was a calm and civil chat - i understand the need for a decent age gap to give both children enough care - BUT WTF???!!! I said that they're pushing us toward IV.F again. It'll be cheaper and quicker than adoption.

Once i'd sat down and thought about it i realised the pros of going the adoption route (if we can afford it):

1. We could spend the same on IV.F (which we did last time - well a bit less) BUT not be guaranteed a healthy (or any) baby after all of that (Of course, if we were successful first time (ha ha) we'd spend a quarter of that
2. Although we'd have to wait, it's the equivalent of my getting pg much sooner. Even if I got pg tomorrow - which obviously won't happen - I wouldn't have a 12 or 14 month old baby until 21 to 23 months time - nearly two years. If we adopted we'd be in that place about the same time. If it took us two years of treatment I might be 42 nearly 43 by the time i managed even to conceive.
3. No gest.one injections
4. No injections!
5. We'd be giving a home to a baby who might otherwise grow up in an orphanage.

The con is the money and the fact that i'd dearly love to be pg again and bring up a baby from newborn BUT i know how lucky I was to do that once. I should be grateful i've done it at all and at least I have. (I know i'll still yearn to do it again, but that's not necessarily the route i'm meant to follow.

If you've stayed with my ramblings, well done! Apologies for this but it's actually helped to clarify things a little for me.

Must go - have supper to prepare and all B's food for tomorrow as Mr G is on duty. I'm off to work in the morning !!

xx
ps: Friend on bedrest is at home but cervix is shortening further. She's 27 weeks - i think - so i've everything crossed for her

:((

2009-08-25T17:22:00.003Z

Not sure how best to express this one.

My friend doing her 'last chance' cycle at 41 got one egg. It wasn't even good enough to use.

Her husband was already on a flight from Holland to do his bit. She'll tell him when he lands that it's all over.

I'm gutted.

VIsited my friend in hospital who's now 26 weeks. Took her some home-made tabbouleh salad which she's been craving She's in a hospital that equipped to try to save babies as tiny as 20 weeks. People transfer from other London hospitals because of this. She lost her twins at 23 and 24 weeks. The hospital she was in wouldn't even try and at the time she had no idea about this hospital. How must she feel?

She's in a ward of 4 beds. There have been a stream of women in to be induced so she's had to listen to a stream of ladies in labour. The nurse said they really try not to let that happen but there were no other beds. Lying there trying to hold onto your 6 month old pregnancy listening to others give birth. How must she feel?

The consultant told her she'd be in at least 2 more weeks and then most likely transfer to a hospital with a standard neo-natal unit. She's got to endure that torture that much longer. How must she feel?

I got home tonight and as I was crawling up the corridor on my hands and knees after a laughing baby thanked G-d for our blesssing.

Just a little something extra

2009-08-21T18:59:00.003Z

Is it me or are there more and more people going through IVF?

Perhaps it's the snowball effect and as i've made no secret of my treatment, perhaps people feel they can share with me?

I've several friends going through cycles at the moment. My hairdresser is on her second cycle as she has endometriosis. She's one of those girls you feel is a dead cert. She's fallen pg in the past but can't now. She has 6 frozen from her first cycle. She's 34. I feel she'll be fine. (Hmmmmm - just read that and apologise. It was an ignorant thing to have written and I should know better. I hope things work out for her, but i'm well aware that you never know who'll succeed in this lottery.)

Another is from the relaxation group I joined through my first clinic. She's on her 5th or 6th cycle. She's 41 or 42 and her response is not great. She's doing a second go at my fab top London clinic. I've everything crossed for her.

The last one is an old school friend who lives in Holland. She has a 9 yr old but never managed a second baby. She did 3 rounds several yrs ago but couldn't face it any more. She feels on the edge of her fertile years and felt she had to try one last time. She's also at my clinic as she wanted to try them as their scores are so good and the hearsay so full of praise. We had lunch this week and I can feel from her whole being how much hope there is and how far she has to fall if this doesn't work for her. She's knows rationally that she's been blessed with one child, but biology says something different.

I hope they are all lucky.

I have another friend who lost twins at 23 and 24 weeks last year. They were conceived on her 2nd cycle. She had OHSS twice and has really suffered. She survived (just) and was brave enough to have one more cycle. She's now 25 weeks pg with another baby after her 3rd round of treatment BUT has been admitted to hospital as her c.ervix is again shortened. She'll be there at least 3 weeks as they try to get her little one to a size that they could even try to save him/her. It's SO unfair. I'm praying that this baby lives. I'm not sure how anyone would cope with that much upset.

Why do some people pop out babies as easily as peas from a pod and others endure so much? There's absolutely no sense to all of this. I'm blessed but already eyeing pg women with children & trying to avoid their company. I'm sorry if that's offensive to those still trying. I do know i'm one of the lucky ones - especially when i talk to my friends on the other side.

Pamela Carter RIP

2009-08-21T13:45:00.002Z

A couple of years ago, Mr G and i 'adopted' an old couple.

I've told the story before of how we passed her (Pam) struggling on the street with heavy shopping attached to her wheely walking stick. It was a cold Boxing Day and just after we saw her, Mr G said we must help her. We turned around and offered to help her home. She was lovely. Very interesting and bright - i've since found out she was then in her late 70's. She and her husband lived in a nearby basement apartment and had no children.

At the time she felt like the ghost of Xmas future. I started taking her a newspaper in every other Saturday and have done so for the last couple of years. Two and a half to be exact. As she and her husband (George) were both heavy smokers, i have visited less often in the last 18 months but still tried to make sure we got that newspaper to them every other week. She's white, English born and bred and her husband is from Trinidad. As their marriage would have been unusual - to say the least - in the 1960's when they wed, they had become a little reclusive.

A few months ago Pam let on that she had terminal cancer. She never, ever complained and rarely admitted to being in pain. Her niece - who i've come to be very fond of too - worked hard to get Pam proper medical care and a few weeks ago Pam was admitted to a hospice. I was able to take Barney in to see her there and he brought a smile to her face.

On 7th August, 2 days after her 81st birthday, Pam passed away. I visited twice the day before. She was barely conscious but i touched her arm and told her that her niece would be there the next day to see her. (Her niece lives about an hour's drive from Lond.on) 5 minutes after her niece sat down and took Pam's hand, Pam let go and slipped away. She was in so much pain by then it was a blessing.

I felt sad, but it wasn't until her funeral last week that it really hit home. I watched George sitting in a wheel chair - he was admitted to a different hospital just after Pam was taken into the hospice with non life-threatening problems. He also has severe dementia and is struggling with her death. He only saw her once in the hospice. He was sobbing and unable to say anything other than "Pam was great" in his Caribbean twang. It broke my heart. Mr G and I were both in tears.

After the funeral we found out that Pam had left us each £1500. We were shocked. I'm still not sure how I feel about that. We "adopted" then purely because we liked them and wanted to help. If i'm honest there was an element of "there but for the grace of..." about our actions. My husband is a kinder and more charitable person than I am but I try to do my best with actions.

It's been an emotional month.

Nine months

2009-07-31T17:43:00.003Z

B turned 9 months today. He's been longer out than in now.

In celebration of his anniversary here's a link to a website on which he's modeled a bear suit (don't he look too, too cute) and a little bit about him:

Weight - somewhere in the region of 19lbs I would think. He's on the 25th percentile - well, just below - so he's a little baby. As they don't measure height here i have no idea how tall he is. He seems pretty average.

Favourite thing to do - crawl up to the sofa, stand up and press the keys on my laptop or crawl over to the telephone, take it off the holder and press the buttons. Remote controls do it for him too.

Least favourite thing to do - lie still have have his nappy changed or have his face wiped- which elicits screams like he's being murdered.

Favourite toy - probably my mobile (cell) phone but as that's not generally on offer, his purple Lamaz.e elephant that plays tunes, in fact most things that play tunes go down pretty well.

Sleeps - not enough for my liking, but we're very slowly getting there. I'm not generally up several times a night any more (i just know i will be now i've typed that) so we're still not an overnight kinda baby. Naps are sporadic. I think perhaps had i tried harder to follow a specific routine things might be easier. And then perhaps they wouldn't be....

He's a happy, sociable and smiley baby. He loves being around other kids and really engages people around us. He's been crawling for a couple of months and people told us he'd be walking by 9 months. He's not, thank goodness, but he's all round our home and in everything. Never a dull moment and he's always up for a laugh. If we're laughing he'll start too. Sometimes, if he falls asleep on me - only really when he's sick now - he laughs as he's dropping off. I always wonder what the joke is.

IF news - can't do monitored cycle until i've had a couple of normal periods. I've only had one since i stopped feeding B. I'm in no rush. B keeps me busy and if he's all we have i'll still feel blessed. As Mr G and I aren't working so have zero income, just savings to keep us at the moment, perhaps financially we shouldn't even try.

Still doing more thinking than acting on my new blog. You'll be the first to hear when I finally get something sorted.

Off to get some supper and try to catch up on another episode of Brothers and Sisters. I love that programme. I'm so far behind, the ads are all for Xmas stuff. Kitty and gorgeous Rob Lowe (drool, drool) have just found out they'll be able to adopt a baby. I've found a lot of their story lines very emotional. (I need to get out more) I've also noticed that i've missed the last 4 episodes of the series as our S.ky box failed to record. Does anyone know if this is out on DVD yet?

Have a good weekend xx

Torn

2009-07-22T12:29:00.002Z

I'm torn.

I want to continue sharing my (unexciting) world but am finding it difficult to blog. This blog wasn't created to write baby stuff, it was to off load my IF thoughts and emotions and communicate with others in the same boat. I'm still infertile, but as I've been so darned lucky as to have been have my prayers answered I feel like the day-to-day stuff is not really blog-able. I don't want to upset those still on their journey.

For some time i've thought I should stop moaning on about my issues over this and should set up a new blog which will detail my daily stuff and, in particular, the foodie side of life - which i'm itching to offload since i lost my column. I'm going to make that a priority and create a second blog. I'll post a link to that one in due course.

I'll keep this one about IF, IVF and that side of myself, which is still very much in existence.

On that subject, we went back to our clinic yesterday. We've been discussing 'what next' for some time. As i'm now 40, i'm constantly being asked what will we do about a second baby - 'you've not much time to waste'. I'm grateful for my one but I know that if we don't try for a second I may regret that in the future. We've one frostie at our first clinic from our very first cycle. The odds of that coming to anything are MINISCULE. Our chances of a fresh cycle working were about 1%, 5% at most. Problem is, there's a little bit of me and Mr G waiting for us. We can't destroy it - it could be our baby. Most likely it will come to nothing, but Mr G and I feel we have no choice.

So, yesterday we took B to the clinic for our follow up appointment. It was very odd arriving there with B. I felt SO uncomfortable sitting there with him. We could've found a sitter, but he's not well and we also don't really want to go public about our plans. Too much pressure. I could see those mid-cycle glancing or avoiding glancing at B as he chattered away in his buggy. I kept saying to Mr G that i'd wait outside but he told me to stop being oversensitive.

We were seen by someone we'd never met before who'd clearly never read our file. For £100 we learned nothing more than we knew already. We'll have to do a monitored cycle and then can do a frozen cycle for about half what it cost to do a fresh one there. Not worth doing a fresh one in case we end up with more embryos. The monitored cycle will tell if my FS.H has shot through the fertility roof making fresh cycles pointless anyway. The stupid Dr who'd not read the file said if my FS,H was more than 10 then we'd be best not to do a cycle. I pointed out that B was a result of a cycle done with FS.H of 10.4 or 10.6. (That makes me angry that she'd not checked up anything at all)

So, next month, a monitored cycle.

I popped into the office as i saw one of the original nurses there. She was really pleased to see me and B. She said it was nice seeing me (and girls like me) back to normal as she only sees people at the height of their stress. I went to the bathroom there (tmi but bear with me) which was where they used to do my proge.sterone injections if Mr G was away. I sat there and my heart sank. Can i do this again? Can I face the injections? Reality bit.

We also sent to shake the hand of Mr T - head honcho there. He was all smiles and talk of siblings. (Portia P raises eyebrows and looks doubtful) We told him he'd changed our lives. It's true.

I need to pop back to read what's going on for you all. I've a dinner for 70 to cook for Friday - which i'm doing for free as it's a charitable cause - so it'll most likely be at the weekend when things have calmed down. B has croup too - which is not terribly pleasant for any of us as he's pretty sick and sleeping badly. I'm exhausted but apologise for moaning. I know it's too irritating to hear moans from those that have.

Time to earn a living

2009-06-19T18:31:00.002Z

I need to go and turn on the oven, wash bottles, get some washing on, change my clothes etc etc so i'll keep this short.

Just after we got back from Portugal, i found out i'd been ousted from my restaurant review column. Some weirdy, beardy (hope none of you has excessive facial hair) author who i'd interviewed 3 yrs ago when i kicked off the column has managed to get in there whilst i've been on maternity leave, and has stolen my gig. I suppose that's what happens when you go off to have a baby, but i'm mighty p'd off. He doesn't know anything about food and that really, really winds me up. He's just in it for the free meals and booze and to satisfy his big, fat ego! He writes far too many words all about himself really.

The Editor made the decision without even telling the Features Ed. As far as I knew, i was going back and had already written 3 pieces for them. They'd even given me a date to file again!!! I suppose I should check out my rights but as a freelancer, it's not great to rock the boat I suppose. I'm SO mad though!

As it happens, it would be hard to go back to it. It's impossible eating with B - who spends all the time trying to be anywhere but sitting quietly. I also can't afford childcare to spend time writing as it doesn't pay enough. I could have done it in my evenings, but they're so short as I'm always running around getting ready for bed as i know B will be up in the early hours...Perhaps i'll try to go back to writing in the future...

Sooooo, as I need to earn a few quid, i'm going to try hosting a P.ampered Che.f party. If it goes well and if I like it then i'm thinking of selling it. I can also offer my cooking skills on the side and sell lessons and/or catering. It's new to me although lots of my mates have bought PC stuff. I know it's more established in the US - what do you girls know about it?

I've my first party on Monday.

Really must go and do some chores now. I was out with some girlfriends drinking last night - it was great to be back in the real world for a bit - and i'm paying for it today. I wouldn't change my life for all the tea in China - or even all the chocolate in the Green & Black's factory - but sometimes it's nice to get out for some "me" time.

Many congrats to lovely Meredith on her new arrival.

I'm also really happy to report that my friend who lost her 23 and 24 week old twins last year (this month in fact) is pg (16 weeks) with a singleton. I'm so, so happy for her and have everything crossed. (She had IVF3 to get there)

2009-06-06T18:14:00.006Z

Its been too, too long since I posted properly. I've had the odd whinge and moan and a few show-off pics of my little boy but no real meaty stuff.

I think it's time for an update. Barney turned 7 months on 1st June. 7 months!! Amazing and I'm still pinching myself every day and night.

He's crawling, and has been for a couple of weeks or more. He was going backwards, but now can get where he wants to, which is pretty scary as we're not nearly as child proof as we should be. By all accounts he's a bit young for such mobility but as he's quite small and light as well as pretty strong, there's just no stopping him.
(Since i wrote this, he has progressed to pulling himself up on his knees and sometimes even onto his feet. He's so strong. I think the reason he's so busy is that he's so inquisitive. He just has to find out what the sticker on the wall feels like or what Mummy's computer tastes like. Today he wriggled out of the booster seat he was strapped into in a cafe that refused to let us in with the buggy, so he could stare and grin at a cute lady eating her breakfast at the table behind us!)
Here he is trying to crawl onto a table on holiday

He's also babbling - ba-ba, da-da, ga-ga - and making burbling noises.

The overnight sleep still eludes him (and us) and every time we try to get tough and leave him to cry, he pulls off a cold or (this week) a tooth (first tooth!!) so we bottle out of it and go to him at night. The tooth is so cute. A tiny tip of pearly white which has produced much unhappiness as it cut through his gums. (Make that two. The second one came through a few days later and is just as cute. Not so cute when he bit my boob when he was feeding though.

He's eating three meals a day (bless) and nothing has made me so happy as when he ate a whole pot of my chicken and apricot casserole.
It felt like the hugest success ever. He has good and bad meals - perhaps the teething pains - but is also not much of a milk drinker. I have to really work at it. I'm still breast feeding, but very few times a day as he's far more interested in the world around him than staring at my chest (unlike his father) so it's impossible to get him to BF by day. (We're now nearly done with BF-ing. I've been cutting down and this week, he's barely interested in feeding from me as he has a terrible cold and it's too much trouble. I'm really down about it. I think it's the cocktail of hormones receding finally but it's making me so sad.

I know i'm darned lucky to have (a) had him and (b) got to BF at all but i'm unlikely to have any more babies - there, i've said it. At 40 and a 1/2 with 5 IVF's under my belt to have Barney, i do need to be realistic about my chances of managing a second success. This will be my only chance to do this and i'm not ready to stop. Not sure i ever will be. Still, this is about him and he's doing ok on the bottle, so that's that really.

On the whole issue of a second child, i'm starting to turn my head to the issue. Do we try again? Can we afford to? Do we try to adopt - which was always going to be our plan. Also an issue of money - not only to pay for inter-country adoption (as we'd be lucky to find a baby in the UK) but to move so we have room for more of us. We're squeezed in as it is. We're not in great shape financially - well, we are ok but there's not a lot coming in at the minute. It's no time to spend huge money.

I'm thinking we might pop back to wonder clinic to see if they'd even let me try again or if they think we could try to use our frosty. It's not like I can give it a year or so and see what happens. We'll never get the surprise miracle that p's me off when others recount tales of x and y who adopted/had ivf success/gave up and "amazingly discovered y was pg!!!" Severe M factor don't work that way. We've just graduated from simple infertility only to have to redo the year again.

I hoped i'd never feel like this. When I got so lucky I thought i'd be grateful with my lot. A part of me worries i've had all my luck to have a healthy child (please G-d) at close to 40. Am i tempting fate in trying again at perhaps 41? Who knows?

He's the sunniest smiliest baby and engages people wherever we go. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their little ones.

I think this post is long enough. I'll post again with an update of where i am professionally - short preview is "nowhere".

xx

Shout out to Soapchick

2009-05-06T19:17:00.002Z

Hi honey

Had no idea you were going private and would LOVE to stay updated.

Pls, pls mail your password or invite or whatever to my desperatetomultiply@gmail.com address!

Am so pleased you're moving forwards and really want to stick around and support you.

Didn't know how else to get to you xxxxx

ps: Just so you don't feel left out....hello everyone else!! Thanks for reading xxx

Survivor's Guilt

2009-05-05T19:29:00.002Z

Here's the thing...

...I've been so concerned not to upset those of you still waiting for your babies that i've been guilty of (a) not posting and (b) posting rosy tinted posts that give no idea of how things really are for me this side of IVF.

I love my little boy, i really do and i know i'm immensely lucky, but this is the hardest thing i've ever done. I've not slept a full night in about 15 months - 9 months down to tension and inability to get comfortable (well, much of that time) and the last 6 because my son resolutely refuses to sleep through. Sleep deprivation was ok at first. It went with the territory and i was (and am) determined to love every minute of my new role. Mostly, I do, but this far down the line and it's wearing me down just a little.

In the past month i've had one root canal (4 dentist visits in total and £1600), a trip to the emergency dentist to have an abscess on another tooth pierced and drained (£260 and a lot of pain - so much so I came out of that appt and sobbed like a baby) and now, a throat/ear infection that has been going on now for well over a week. Enough already.

Breastfeeding was/is a privilege, but when my little boy decided (at 3 months) he preferred a bottle I completely lost it.It had taken a lot to get started - it's flipping painful but we'd got there. When he actually retched (yes!) when faced with my nipple - they're not bad!! - there were hormonal tears for weeks. After much perseverance (and ignoring a breast feeding counsellor who told me to give up) i managed to woo him back and he now feeds without a fight. It's time to start weaning him to a bottle but as i don't think i'll get to do this again i'm loathe to give it up. Having said that, hours pumping milk so Mr G can bottle feed him at 11pm when i catch up on some badly needed zzzzz's really takes it out of me.

Every waking hour is spent anticipating B's next need. Every trip out of the house has to be planned. Do i need the buggy? Do i need the car seat? What meals will we spend out? What's the weather going to do? I have to carry up the kit in stages from our lower ground floor flat and make sure B is fine whilst i'm doing it. It's all part of the job and it's getting easier but even leaving the house was at one time a huge achievement. [Just read that para and think perhaps i deserve a sharp, slap for that one - apologies - but i'm leaving it in for completeness]

Even as I type this i feel guilty - how dare I even think about complaining when i've got what i was wishing for and so many haven't. I'm sorry. I'd rather get real then portray this sunny, perfect existence. I don't want anyone believing i'm sitting smugly here in happy-ever-after land.

I adore my little boy but he's a handful. He's incredibly mobile for 6 months and cant' sit still for a moment. It's great he's so interested but it does wear a 40 year old Mum down.

I hope i've not been totally offensive but i felt i just had to get this off my chest.

I'm also conscious that I can't wait too much longer before making some decision about whether or not we try for another little one. As it'd have to be another IVF or adoption, both of which will cost us some, can we even afford to think about it? This recession has hit us hard and i'm not sure we can afford to have a second baby. Is it fair on B for him to be an only child?

I'm not ungratefully moaning about only having one baby. I wouldn't dream of it - i'm still counting my blessings that I have one more than i imagined i would. I'm just a little sad that it remains a problem. I'm also a lot mad at people who say that because we've now had one we're going to be one of those couples who have a second, surprise pregnancy. We're not. They just don't get it and that p's me off.

Again, i'm sorry. I don't want to upset anyone. I hope I haven't. I'm still rooting for those of my girls in the trenches and i know I don't really have the right to compain when i'm over here.

Six months

2009-05-04T18:36:00.003Z

My little boy was 6 months old on Friday. I can't believe it. Mr G and I sit and look at him and want to pinch ourselves.

He's gorgeous but a total monkey. He is proficient at rolling from back to tummy and loves then pressing up with his arms. He's on the verge of crawling and can rock backwards and forwards on his hands and knees and stretch his legs out. He moves backwards but cannot yet go forwards and screams (yes SCREAMS) with frustration as he gets further from not closer to his goal!

I'm totally smitten but also completely exhausted. He and I have had some cold virus for the last week and I feel awful. Really sore throat and ears and blocked up head. Recovery isn't helped by a sleepless baby. Even when well he's not a great sleeper and still hasn't gone through the night - or even close - at this point. One smile and he's forgiven.

Mr G, B and I are off on hols next week and I can't wait. A holiday with a mobile 6 month old is questionably a holiday but it'll be a change of scene and (hopefully) some warmer weather in which to chill.

Must go now, time for bed. Mr G is nagging me to go sleep and I do need to. I'll try to fill in some gaps sometime soon.

Here's the boy

2009-02-15T20:45:00.004Z

Just to say - which I should've mentioned in my last post.

We chose to have yesterday's blessing on 14th February as it was the anniversary of the day our little boy - and his co-embryo - were transferred into my safe care. It's a day i'll never forget and seemed a good day to celebrate.

Mr G said he spent last Valentine's Day watching a man (fantastic IVF Dr) with his hands up my bits and spent this year's Valentine's watching another male (a v little one) mauling my bo.soms. Maybe next year he (Mr G) will get a look in.

I hope you all had a good Valentine's. It's not a day i'm that fond of. I hated it as a single bird and feel it hugely commercial and a bit pointless now as you should spread the lerrrrve all the time and not just once a year. Now it's become a tiny bit more special in my book. Mr G and I had a lovely dinner out but talked mostly about Barnaby and gushed over a new photo Mr G had taken on his phone. Here's a pic from yesterday

Not great of me but then i'm not who the crowds came to see. Barnaby loves my dress - all that black and white has him mesmerised.

Quick update

2009-02-13T21:09:00.002Z

I'll make this quick as i need to get to bed.

Barney went to bed at 7pm and will be up again any time from 10.30 til 12. Mr G will feed him with some of my expressed breast milk (I feel more and more like a cow) whilst I grab some sleep. When B next wakes - some time between 2 and 3am - Mr G will wake me up and i'll take over. I'll feed him and then sleep in the day bed next to his cot until morning. He'll most likely wake a couple more times and have one more feed - at 5ish - before morning. I've got him into the habit of sleeping on me from about 5.30am until morning. This has the benefit of allowing me a bit more sleep than if he was in his cot and continually waking. It's also one of my guilty pleasures. He should be in bed but I get to cuddle him and smell his gorgeous baby smell.

If I get to bed soon, i'll get some sleep in before the broken sleep happens. It's hard to drag myself to bed as this is the only time of the day I get to myself.

I love my little boy dearly but he sure is hard work. Every waking moment (mine) is spent thinking of him and anticipating the next need he'll have. He had a cold a couple of weeks ago which was so hard on him as he was so snuffly and couldn't breathe properly. That's when I started having him sleep on me - so he'd be upright and more able to breathe. This week he's been teething - which involves lots of drooling, fist sucking, fussy feeding and LOTS of crying. Little love is really suffering.

Tomorrow we're having a baby blessing in our synagogue. We've invited our extended family to join us for some sparkling wine and canapes afterwards. I'll post some pics. The words are really emotional - I just hope I hold it together.

There's so much to say but where to start? I love being a Mum but it's been a huge adjustment. He's not an easy baby but he has personality and is bright as a button.

I'll write again when i've more time and can actually put together something a bit more considered and interesting. xx

It still doesn't feel real

2009-01-29T21:22:00.003Z

I have a baby sleeping in the room next to me.

A year ago:
I was taking a cocktail of drugs and getting up every day in the dark to go and get my blood tested and get scanned.
I was downing litres of milk and water to help grow healthy eggs.
I was hopeful but also disbelieving that this cycle would be any different to cycles 1, 2, 3 and 4.
I was licking the wounds caused by the last clinic i'd been to telling me we'd never succeed at IVF and that I should give up.
I was wondering what to do next and what I would do with my life.

Eggs were taken from my body and my husband's sperm injected into them. 4 embryos were created and we waited to see what would happen. On Valentine's Day 2008 two of those embryos were returned to me.

One of those embryos became Barnaby. I still can't believe that little boy next door sighing in his sleep is real.

I so want my blog friends to get there too.

Some pix

2009-01-12T19:47:00.002Z

Introducing (again) my little man:

I'm totally and utterly in love...

Bad blogger

2009-01-09T21:26:00.002Z

Wow - probably the longest time i've had between posts, due to a combination of not really being sure what to blog about now and partly being totally immersed in coping with looking after a tiny human being.

My little boy is (as you'd expect me to say) gorgeous. He's starting to look like his Daddy and is as big a drama queen. He's not one to take anything quietly and makes his views well known. For the last couple of days, everything has provoked huge teary outbursts - I think he must be overtired. When he's not wailing - because he isn't all of the time - he's super smiley and so, so inquisitive about the world. I have to cover his eyes to help him sleep because he just doesn't want to switch off.

A full night's sleep is a distant memory and i'm not sure when the next one will be. I'd NEVER complain as i know how lucky i am, and you sort of get used to it. I quite enjoy spending the early hours looking after my little boy - I've waited long enough.

Right now he's asleep in his Moses basket. His Daddy is on his way back from a business trip to Denmark. Mr G has waited 41 years to bring his child a pressie back from a trip abroad. Today is the first time he's had that child to buy for. It's a big moment.

The whole 'having a baby' thing blows my mind. I still can't believe that he's here and ours and almost have to pinch myself every day.

I want to post some pics but need to get Mr G to pass them to me. I'll post some as soon as I can.

There's so much to say, but I think it should go on a different blog. Once i've worked out how to post about being a Mum i'll sort out the second blog.

Right now i'm freezing cold and I want to check the little man is warm enough. It's so cold here in the UK it's mad. I'll post again when i've the pix and when i'm a bit more coherent.

Oh - meant to say - there's been a flurry of BFP's in my blogger circle and i'm so excited about it. There was a similar batch last Xmas time and it happened again this year. It's made me so happy. To my PG blogger girls - you know who you are - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! To those still waiting - keep trying. I missed the Xmas batch last year and it still happened for me. This time last year I was about to start IVF 5 - well, hoping to as I wasn't sure my FSH would be low enough. Look where I am now. A totally different start to the year. I wish the same good luck to all of my friends struggling with IF. xx

Fabulous and 40

2008-12-03T09:04:00.002Z

Today I am 40 years old.

I thought i'd feel really old, but i couldn't be less bothered. All my school friends turned 40 ages ago - i was the very youngest in the year - so i feel young.

Funny to think that 40 years ago my Mum had a baby only 4 weeks younger than my little boy.

I hope all those of you still trying can take heart in my success at such a ripe old age.

We're off here for breakfast and my Mum and Stepdad are coming over with tea for us.

I don't need any gifts -

i've got everything i ever wanted. Thank you G-d.

Happier times

2008-11-29T13:21:00.004Z

This is Marylebone Registry office.

Last time I was in there it was to register my father's death. I went with my brother.

I visited yesterday with Mr G and BB to register BB's birth. Happier times. I must have blocked the earlier experience from my mind as I had almost no recollection of the room you do the registering in. I'll remember this time for ever.

Mr G had tears in his eyes as he signed the notification paper.

My son (my son!!) is a proper, legal person.

xx

We made the front page

2008-11-20T18:27:00.002Z

I'm about to blow cover with a link to a newspaper which has a pic of us and our little boy. We made the front page this week - which made us laugh...a lot.

We also made their headline board thing that stands outside the newsagents. It says 'Baby at last for IVF couple'.

If you know us please don't tell anyone else about my blog. I'm pretty sure no one will know us....

Here's the link

xx

BB's birth - SUPER LONG POST WARNING!

2008-11-11T09:21:00.005Z

I've finally got a few minutes between feeds whilst the boy sleeps. I could either eat breakfast, go to the toilet or type and (madly) i thought i'd type whilst i've a few minutes.

So, the labour started at about 2am on Thursday 30th, the day he should have been coming out via C section. I woke with contractions about 5 mins apart. I didn't wake Mr G who was asleep in the next door room, where he'd been sleeping for the last few weeks as my nocturnal wakenings were keeping us both up.

By 6am the contractions had calmed a little and were more widely spaced. They carried on all day, sometimes close and sometimes up to 20 mins apart. They were just in my back so I wasn't sure that it was really labour pains.

A friend sent an e mail saying she'd been having similar pains for the last week!!! I cried at the thought I could be stuck with those pains for that long! It wasn't the pain so much as it was bearable but the thought i'd have to wait that long and probably would be housebound for that time as I had to stop and sway etc each time to get through them.

Anyway, I decided to put on my TENS machine at 9 or 10pm ish and I asked Mr G to help fix the pads on me. We had a bottle of alcohol type stuff to put on me to help the pads stick. He couldn't get it to come out and squeezed so hard the lid flew off and the stuff went in his eyes, down my trousers and in my underwear. It STUNG!!! He was running around shouting it was in his eyes and we both had to rush to the bathroom so I could shower it off and he could splash his eyes. It was all a bit Benny Hill.

I stood in the shower for ages and decided to use it to run a bath for the pain. I lay in the bath - my 3rd that day - and watched my tummy moving. I thought it was Barney moving but now I think it was contractions making it all move. When I got out the contractions were a minute on and a minute off and I couldn't even get dressed it was so uncomfortable. I had Mr G put the TENS on and that really helped. That, breathing and very loud music. I also moaned a lot - goodness knows what my neighbours must have thought!

So I rang the hospital who said I should wait a couple of hours before going in. Mr G was rushing around packing bags and showering etc while I swayed and moaned. AT 12am, we decided to get in my Mini to travel as I couldn't face going in a taxi. It took me 3 contractions to get in the car. I had to kneel on all fours on the back seat. We took a route to avoid speed bumps as I definitely wasn't up to them.

The contractions eased a bit once I was outside and in the car, so I suggested we drive around a bit to delay going to hospital. Mr G sensibly ignored that clever suggestion and drove us straight there. We slowly walked in and got up to the labour ward. They examined me and said I was 3cm and the cervix was nice and soft and well effaced.

I would usually have been sent home but they said I could stay as they were quiet. I was left with gas and air, my TENS machine and my ipod in a cubicle to progress. What they didn't tell me was that they were going to leave me for 4 hours until they came to examine me again!! Mr G went to bring in our luggage - which i'd made him leave in the car in case we were sent home. He also moved the car into a car park.

When he arrived he sat in a chair and snoozed whilst I moaned, gyrated and sang (quietly) to Madonna on my ipod. I found it really hard to go to the bathroom as if I sat, it brought on major contraction pain, so I had to try to stand.

At 5am they came to see me again and let me go into a delivery room. I was 4cm by then and decided to have an epidural. Had I been able to use the pool i might have tried that as water really helped relieve the pain. But the fact I couldn't plus the fact that if I didn't go for it then i'd have to wait another 4 hours before the opportunity would arise again (hospital policy not to examine more than every 4 hours). A lady anesthetist turned up and fixed me up. Marvellous.

By now, the sun was rising and I was having a good time! Mr G went out for bagels for breakfast and I was allowed to eat one but told no more food now in case i needed surgery. Mr G snoozed on and off and I chatted to our new midwife - Kirsti from Finland - who'd started her shift at 8am. As they were quiet, i had her to myself all morning which was fantastic. I walked around and tried to make things move faster and they broke my waters to push things forward. When they ramped up the contractions with Syntmetrine I really started feeling the pain as the epi had worked only on 1 side. Suddenly, I was 8cm and feeling contractions down one side of my body. OWWWWW!!!!

The anesthetist was called - a new one now on the day shift - and they tried to wiggle the needle to get it to work fully. It didn't, so they had to take it all out and start again whilst i puffed on gas and air again like it was going out of fashion.

With the epi sorted a new problem arose. Barney was starting to show signs of distress on the monitor so, after a series of Dr's had had a good look up my undercarriage, the most senior Doc - a consultant - said they felt they should get him out asap. I was rushed into theatre double quick. I seem to remember being stripped and put into a hospital gown. At some point earlier they'd had me peeing into a tub thing as my bladder had got so huge it needed draining. I was held up by one nurse whilst the other held the tub. How humiliating! After that they put a catheter in.

The pain relief was ramped up although I didn't believe it was properly working at all. They check by spraying a freezing cold spray on your upper body and then on the anesthetised bit to see if you still feel it. I was sure I could feel it on the bits that hadn't been properly sorted before. I was told to pinch my own flesh to see if I felt it and I couldn't. Mildly upsetting was that pinching my leg felt like pinching a comedy fat suit. Nice...

I was still arguing that I could feel on my left when the anaesthetist said 'well they've started' which shut me up. Minutes later, whilst Mr G and I cried, Barney was pulled from my tummy. I had tried to hold back the tears in case they thought i was being a bit baby about the birth. Mr G was sent to cut the cord and give them clothes for B whilst I was stitched up. I started feeling really light headed and sick as well as impatient to see my little boy - who was screaming and rooting on Mr G looking for a feed! He still screams like a loon when he wakes and only wants to feed.

I'm sorry for such a long post and i'm sure most people will have given up by now. It's as much so i've got the memory straight and recorded.

We're still good and Barney is 3 weeks old tomorrow. It has flown but has been pretty hard work - NOT that i'd ever, ever complain for a second. I really do appreciate how lucky i am.

Here's......BB.....

2008-11-07T19:28:00.005Z

Not only was Mr G allowed to take his camera into theatre, he was positively encouraged to take pics.

Here's my little passenger emerging from my tum at which point his father and I we were sobbing like babies...

...and here he is after a clean up and weigh in

I'll try to type the birth story when i've 2 hands free! Like us, BB likes his nosh so i'm currently expressing for his next feed. He gets 30 mins on me followed by a bottle of my finest home brew to fill him up. If he doesn't get it in 1 hit I can have him stop starting for 4 hrs at a time...

I cry at least 5 times a day over my miracle.

Thanks for all your lovely messages and to my lovely BeeCee for her card.

xxxx

i'm fine!!

2008-11-06T09:47:00.002Z

...and typing this with 1 hand from under a v healthy baby boy.

Barnaby Baruch was born by emergency c section on friday 31st October. My labour started on thursday in the early hours - 2am. It was v sporadic until 11pm ish when contractions went from every 5-10 mins to every minute for a minute - OWWWW!

I came home from hospital on tues & he has kept me busy ever since. He has an endless appetite and little urge to sleep. I have raw nipples & more love for this little bundle than i know what to do with.

I'll type more when i've 2 hands. He was 7lbs 4oz and screamed immediately he emerged.

Thank you to all you wonderful girls for sharing my journey. They told us we had a 1% chance. This time last yr a clinic told us they wouldn't treat us and we should give up. If it happened for us....

I'll post pics asap.

xxxxx

Show but no show

2008-10-30T09:58:00.003Z

I'm sure you're all starting to get as impatient with this baby as I am!!

Was up from 2am until 6am with another wodge of gorgeous plug and major lower back cramping. It was really quite close together but i decided not to wake Mr G who I thought should at least get his sleep. Mr G keeps on saying how much the term amuses him - makes him think of Rogers and Hammerstein. Glad someone finds this funny!

As i'm still here typing you might have guessed that is hasn't really progressed. It settled down a bit and the cramps are now coming about 10 mins apart and more and are much more bearable. I still think it's really, really early days or even false labour at this stage but i'll be hanging out here today nonetheless. I've a lemon polenta cake recipe i'd like to test and i'm sure a day of tv could be quite inviting.

The hospital called at 8.50am to ask why I hadn't shown up for my C section. I told them the baby had turned and I thought it had been cancelled. They are SO inefficient!! I hope that didn't mean someone couldn't get a slot.... I asked the midwife who called what to do re my pains and she said just take it easy. It could all die down today. I can take paracetemol for the pain but as it's not that bad, I shan't do that just yet.

Thank you all for playing along with me today.

Show and tell

2008-10-29T19:02:00.002Z

No news at this end.

More "show" - which for info is (and you may want to look away at this point) bloody mucus from the mucus plug of the cervix which is starting to come away. Mine is brownish tinged and not overly mucus-y.

I'm finding walking a bit of an effort - a trip to the post box was fairly uncomfortable as TP is sitting low and heavy on my cervix and I now have a bit of lower back cramping. It's also FREEZING out. We've had snow in October for the first time in 70 years! Seventy years! All v strange. It was a beautiful crisp sunny day after the snow though.

I've been trying to finish off articles today and clear my desk. I fitted in an episode of Desperate Housewives - which i'm now up to date on. I'm so not loving the 5 year leap ahead. It's like watching a different programme. I'm sure you girls in the US are miles ahead of us here.

I need to do a final hospital bag sort out and then am ready(ish)

This could go on for days - i feel like the girl who's crying wolf. Watch this space xx

Still here...just

2008-10-28T23:24:00.002Z

Still here and trying to pack in work, invoicing, birth prep etc. Need to load my ipod still, buy a few hospital provisions and finish off some work.

Had a bit of a show earlier today but nothing since. Could be hours. Could be days. If TP decides tonight's the night i'll have stuff hanging over, but then, so what. It feels a bit like the night before going on holiday when i'm always up too late packing and now I should have been more organised.

All I can tell you is that it's way past my bedtime and I must go to sleep. Can you tell i'm in a bit of a tizz.....?!

xx

Tick tock

2008-10-27T08:04:00.002Z

Time ticks on and there are no signs of TP emerging just yet.

I just saw there are 7 days until my due date. SEVEN DAYS! Can't believe it. My doctor decided to go her own way with my due date and work out the date of my last period, which seemed ridiculous as I knew the date of conception and really didn't know for sure the period date. She decided it would be 7th. The consultant i've been seeing chose the happy medium of 5th November. Sooooooo my due date has become v confused. What all this could mean is that we could be waiting until 19th November when they'd induce for sure. THE NINETEENTH!! I'm sure it won't be that long.

I had a really bad stitch-like pain on Saturday that I couldn't shift and it started roaming round my tummy so we were advised to pop into the hospital for monitoring. TP was fine and although they got the odd contraction (Braxton Hicks i'm sure) there was no action. I was told to take Paracetomol and come back if concerned. The pains went away.

The Dr who did have a feel around said TP's now engaged. I'm impressed with the quick flip and dive straight in. Clever baby.

I'm feeling quite heavy now. I popped to Oxford St in the pouring rain on Sunday morning (as you do when you're about to have a baby) to exhange some pj's and bras at Mothercare and had to walk (from my car) at about 1 mile an hour. I think i like it better at home at the minute. A first for me. I've been so active until now, it's just starting to hit.

My bag is now packed (mainly) and i've a separate bag with TP's provisions in it.

We've been tidying up and emptied a drawer full of old IVF drugs, needles, leaflets and vitamins etc into a bag. I'm too superstitious to chuck that (and my most recent needle bin) away just in case it jinxes anything. (I know, i know, it sounds totally mad) When I have TP in my arms (please g-d) i'll get rid of the bits. I've still got Pure.gon in my fridge - useless and out of date, but a sort of talisman. (Mad, mad, mad)

I still can't quite believe that there could be a baby at the end of this. After all the different Dr's we've talked to, the grim, silent waiting rooms, injections, clinic appointments, 2WW's, bfn's and despair. It blows my mind. I almost deleted this para as it seemed too presumptuous.

Right - i've work to do so i'll clock off. I'll post if there's any news. xx

Two year anniversary!!

2008-10-21T12:58:00.003Z

Finally here. How things have changed in two years. This time two years ago I was into cycle one. I had no idea I was going to go through that five times over the subsequent two years. I still know I'm one of the lucky ones and feel immensely blessed.

I was going to celebrate with cake. Have eaten so much of it lately and having had a return to the nausea of early pregnancy, I actually don't feel like noshing cake.

For the last two weeks a hypnotherapy CD for a natural birth has been sitting on a shelf in my hallway. I've been meaning to return it and buy one on C-section births.

I won't be needing to do that.

TP has finally done what most baby's do and turned. At this morning's appointment my Consultant (and a medical student) had a feel and could feel a hard mass low down. We popped into the scanning room and sure enough, there was a little baby head down at the bottom of my belly.

I shouldn't admit this but i'm a little disappointed. We were all set to meet TP next week and now it could be anything up to 4 weeks. FOUR WEEKS!!!!

It's time to bounce on my Swiss ball eat hot curries, drink raspberry leaf tea and consider perineal massage. The thought of that was so gross - having been nowhere near that end for so many months, other than to tend to my haemorrhoids (TMI I know) - I haven't been able to face it. I might even have to persuade Mr G to do the do - which he's way to scared to as he feels it's just not right with TP so close.

I stil might not have to but now there's a very real chance that I might be pushing TP out the proper exit, it's time to prepare! Mr G paid no attention to the labour stuff at our classes as he thought we'd been let off labour. No chance. His child has other plans for us.

Well done TP for leaving it to the last minute and for mucking Daddy's diary up! A chip off the old block!

Please go cheer Meredith on (link in my last post) as her beta's moving on up. Everything's crossed for her - one of my senior buddies (hope she doesn't mind my saying that) - who's really been through it.

xx

Belly shot

2008-10-20T09:25:00.003Z

I've (finally) posted a new belly shot way back in my July posts under the 20 something shot.

[Belly shot is in my 9 July post headed Belly and body Shot - sorry Soapchick that you couldn't find it!]

As you'll see, I've grown a bit - well TP has....

I need to shout out to a few of my buddies out there - Almamay who's in a 2WW, Becks who's signed up with the clinic that did the do for me, Andi - who's into another donor cycle with her sis and Meredith - who anxiously waiting to see if her low beta is going to turn her into a mom.

I'm thinking of you all, girls and so, so want it to be your time. xxxx

No a lot to report

2008-10-16T12:19:00.005Z

Can't believe the due date is so soon. It all seems to be speeding up and i'm desperately trying to get my work done, flat prep sorted, kit ordered or borrowed etc etc AND try to get some me time!

Ante natal check up today was fine. BP up v slightly but nothing to concern my GP. I've an appt with the conultant on Tues to assess TP's position. The GP thought the little one is trying to turn as i seem to have widened out in the middle and the head is moving southwards....

In the meantime i've been doing battle with my health insurers. As my lovely consultant will be away for my 39th week and can't do my c-section I thought i'd go private using my health insurance. It only covers medically required c sections - which this will be. They pay a ludicrously tiny sum for the procedure so i've had to cry, reason and negotiate them up a bit. I think we're nearly there but they're still being pretty unreasonable. Not really sure why we have health insurance - it's so hard to claim anything.

Oh the excitement of my week was meeting Gordon Ram.say last night. I took Mr G to one of GR's latest restaurants to review it. It's run by GR and Angela Har.tnett happened to be in the kitchen that night. (There's a pic of them in this slideshow but I can't get it to stop on their pic)

When I spotted him (as we'd finished our meal) I spoke to the front of house girls and said I was writing about my meal and could someone speak to me about the place. I in no way expected GR to come over but he did! He was utterly charming and when Mr G told him that we were expecting an IVF baby we even had an IVF chat as 3 of his 4 children are ICSI babies ! We told him we'd had 5 go's at ICSI and he was very sweet about it. He even kissed me goodbye!! I'll never wash again....joke.

Sometimes - very, very occasionally - my job is so cool! Oh, the restaurant - The York and Al.bany - is not bad. Probably better value at lunchtime and not for dinner but the food wasn't bad at all.

xx

We have a date...

2008-10-08T12:51:00.003Z

I visited my consultant again yesterday. TP remains resolutely breech. Head and bot right up near my ribs. Legs dangling and treading all over my bladder. It's a squeeze - you'd think the little one would want a bit more room but perhaps it's nice and snug up there.

Anyway, on that basis, our lovely consultant - Mr S - gave us 2 choices:

1. Go for an ECV - external cephalic version - which means they'd basically shove TP the right way by brute force. From friends I hear this is uncomfortable and scary. From research the success rate with a first pregnancy is not great and it can end in an emergency C section.

2. Book in for an elective C section but check progress anyway at 38 weeks.

No prizes for guessing which option i've gone for....

...yup the winner is Option 2. I'm not risking TP's well being at all, so we've been booked for a C section on 30th October. The week before we'll see Mr S and he'll check to see how TP's lying.

In the meantime I can try crawling, kneeling doggy style whenever possible with my posterior in the air (v dignified), walking a lot, sitting on my Swiss ball - which came today - or swimming. Oh, acupuncture is also apparently a potential solution.

I'm in two minds. An elective C section gives me a date and peace of mind that my little one will come out safely. On the other hand, I'll have had major abdominal surgery and will need recovery time. I figure it might take a while to recover from pushing a child in the usual way, especially if I end up with stitches, piles etc etc. anyway.

I've heard of two people turning up for a planned C section and the baby being head down in the right place. They were both sent home to wait for labour! How much of a wind up would that be?!!

Anyway - that's just about it from me. I'm feeling quite large - but not unmanageable - my Carpal Tunnels is pretty bad and I have permanent pins needles in one hand. My hands, wrists, ankles and feet are swollen - my rings came off weeks ago. I get the odd sharp twinge in my ligaments as TP is getting quite heavy, but I'm so not complaining about any of it as it's all a blessing.

I can't believe that in not too long now i might even have a little baby. I burst into tears are periodic intervals at the very thought - hormones are HIGH! A friend with 3 mth old IVF twins from her 7th try said she often still cries at the site of them.

Two hundred!!

2008-10-04T17:14:00.003Z

This is my 200th post!! On October 21st i'll have been blogging for 2 whole years.

I'd like to say its flown by, but i'm not sure it has. I re-read post number one and I was already stuck into my first IVF. Horrible memories. Such bad times.

I won't complain because i've been so lucky so far but it has been a difficult journey. I had a flick through the posts and saw i'd had comments from a pretty early stage and want to thank those of you who've been there for me. Comments have slowed right down to those who can face reading a pg after IVF blog. Not many of those are still in the trenches but then I found I had to drop out of reading the blogs of those girls who'd been successful whilst I still struggled.

I wanted to pick out a few ladies who've been fantastic:

Soapchick of The Quest for Baby Agosti - for being brave enough to continue to be there and for being such a life and soul of the party. Top chick.

Hopeful Mother - who has gone private with her blog. She was successful when I failed on my 2nd or 3rd cycle (can't remember) and who I admit to having abandoned whilst she grew and gave birth to her twins. I know times aren't easy for her at the moment and i'm thinking of her. I know she's still out there supporting me.

Heather of Desperately Seeking Baby - my first IVF blog buddy and another who got there whilst I was still trying. She has twins from her first cycle and (i've just read) is pg with another baby without any treatment. Go Heather!!

Betty M of High Land and Hard Rain

Bea - whose post baby blog is as cool as her pre conception one. She's another solid support.

Meredith of Someone Please Knock Me Up who i've also shared some heavy times with and to whom I wish all the luck in the world

I've also met some fantastic ladies in person - the lovely Becks, Andi and Almamay. Thank you all of you for your support. I'm not sure if you can face me at the moment but i'm rooting for all of you and hoping you'll get there.

Enough gushing and apologies if i've left anyone out. I'm still v conscious that i'm not quite there and TP remains a (transverse) squirming lump in my belly. I'm not going to count any chickens - or babies - until i've looked this one in the eye.

I'll celebrate 21st Oct and my two year blogoversary with a big fat cake.

xx

This baby's not for turning...

2008-10-01T08:16:00.002Z

33 days until my due date and TP's still very happily nestling across my belly.

I feel stuffed up to my ribs and am also feeling a pressure on my bladder that is so like the sensation of wetting myself that I keep on having to pop to the bathroom to check for leakage. TMI I know!

I've done my last day at the cookery school and am now working from home. I've loads to do, but it's nice not to have to hope on the tube. I'm teaching my penultimate lesson tonight with one more next week then that's done too.

We've had blinds put up on our previously bare windows (which was most of them) and ordered carpet for our bedroom - after only 2 years of living in this flat. Since we've lived here we didn't have time to think about our home. All resources were plumbed into IVF. The rest of our life took second place.

I've been brave enough to order a baby buggy and have a bag out ready to pack for hospital. I need to wash the baby grows, booties, mitts, hats etc to put in it as well as think of what I need for me. It's so hard to plan, as if i end up with a Csection because of TP's awkward position i'll need far less than if i have a full-on labour. It's not even worth ordering a TENS machine as that may be a total waste of money!

It's all seeming a bit more real, but I still can't see that baby at the end of this. Only (please G-d) when i'm looking TP in the eye will I believe that we've achieved this miracle. This awful story has upset me and reminded me that just because we've struggled to get where we are doesn't guarantee a happy ending. It's so very, very sad. How do you move on from that?

Anyway, time to do some work. Loads of writing to do as the last few days have been spent on our weekend away - v nice apart from the wedding party outside our hotel bedroom playing thumping wedding music into the early hours on Sat night - and on celebrating the New Year. I made a gorgeous chicken dish - which was chicken roasted with saffron, honey and hazelnuts. (another Ottolenghi dish) with Persian jewelled couscous and a salad of cucumber, fennel and pomegranates, both old favourite recipes. We had orange flower treacle tart for dessert. Also a new recipe and one that went down well.

The vanishing stretch mark & the end of Clexane!!

2008-09-25T15:00:00.003Z

The other night I felt particularly stretched as TP reclined right across my belly. When I showed Mr G my belly he gleefully pointed out a stretch mark. I suppose it was about time. Funny thing was that the next day it was gone....weird.

I have (finally) stabbed myself for the last time this pregnancy. (That's not that i think i'll be lucky enough to have any more but superstitious covering in case I end up having to try this again. On Tuesday, I shot up my last Clexane. At some point i'll work out just how many needles i've stuck in my belly/thigh/butt. It feels a bit like that time after you've done your Pregnyl (trigger) pre-harvest and you're on a stab free few days. V strange.

I've started ante natal and opened up to the group that this baby is the result of 5 IVF's. One other girl confessed (should it be a confession or a badge of honour) that she (at 39, same age as me) is also a successful ICSI girl. Hers was first time though. Still, it'll be good to bond with someone who has shared the experience. All the others - 12 of them - are all lucky natural preggers people. I suppose, statistically, we're bang on the money. 2 in a group of 14, 1 in 7.

I'm making supper for my family on Monday night for Jewish New Year, so I need to give some thought to what they'll be eating. Mr G and I are off for a mini break tomorrow until Monday morning. Should be lovely and relaxing. Just an English country hotel with a spa. Shame i've got to come back and shop and cook crazily. I'll keep it simple.

Time to take my New Year's Honey Cake out of the oven. xx

Long time no blog

2008-09-14T19:12:00.003Z

It's official.

I'm a rubbish blogger. I started this post over a week ago and it's taken me that long to get back to it!!

It's been too long - not that there hasn't been plenty to keep me busy - good and bad. I'll summarise in point form or i'll never get through it - and you'll be bored to tears reading it...

I'M GROWING
I'm now 33 weeks and looking bigger and bigger. I've put on about 30 something pounds and most of that aint' TP. Unless that baby comes out the size of a small toddler i've a lot of work to do at some point. Never mind.

I'M WORRIED
I've had 2 growth scans that both had me quite a bit worried. The first was my NHS (free on public health service) scan. Most things checked out ok, BUT and it was a big but (not unlike my own) abdominal growth has slowed a little. Still within the average lines, but dropped on what it was. Add to that that my amniotic fluid is borderline low and you've got a worried pregnant lady. Our Consultant said not to worry but to keep an eye on how much movement the baby makes. NOT TO WORRY! NOT TO WORRY WHEN I'VE GOT TO BE CONSTANTLY AWARE OF HOW MUCH THIS LITTLE CREATURE INSIDE ME IS MOVING. No chance. I'm trying to be calm, but it's very hard. It's made more difficult by the fact that TP has no routine. Some days there's a circus going on in there and others....zip. Today i was going mad waiting for a kick, roll or squirm. On Tuesday, we're going for a private scan to check out whether the NHS got it right.

The private scan said abdomen and amniotic fluid are fine...(Amniotic fluid index 16.8 instead of 9.8 on NHS scan). However, they said that TP's femurs and thighs are small - down in 5th percentile and that the cerebellum is also a little on the small side. They ended up by saying they're not worried at all and they don't need to scan me again. And i'm not going to fret over that???!!!! Still, nothing I can do but wait and see.

I'M STRETCHING
TP as decided to lie across me in in what's called transverse breech position. It's cute but not overly comfortable and will mean that we're in for a definite c-section unless that baby moves. I'm not hugely worried but would prefer to try to give birth naturally, esp since the hospital we'd like to give birth at (and are signed up to) has an amazing birth unit if you can do it on your own but a horrid VIctorian ward for those who need help....more on that when i've more time.

I'M CROSS
This has annoyed me. This is my fantastic clinic that did the do for me. Granted their admin is rubbish but they get the results and the man CARES. I don't want to see him hounded out of town by the jealous Docs who don't get the same results. All the clinics could be guilty of what he's accused of. Our last clinic were twice as bad as him and i don't see them being sued.

I'M SHOPPING
Still not a lot of purchasing going on for TP but progress is being made. We did start today, with some newborn grows, booties, mitts and hats. I almost cried in the shop and thought i'd have to go to the ladies to calm down. It was all a bit much. Do normal (fertile) mums get this emotional? We've chosen some bits and pieces from a big London Dept store and chosen our buggy. Just gotta get it ordered.

I'M TIRED
I'm starting get my 1st trimester exhaustion back again. i can't do a whole night without a toilet trip and if I get too awake i lie thinking about TP and hoping all will be ok.

I'M LISTING
So much to do and only 40 something days left to do it. Maybe even less!

I'M LEARNING
I've just started my ante natal classes. There are loads of us there - 11 couples(!) - so hopefully i'll meet someone to compare notes with...

I'M SURROUNDED
By girls on the verge of treatment. I had lunch and dinner with 2 separate friends at the start of treatment last week. My hairdresser is about to start her IVF as is another friend who's also my travel agent and one of my editors at work. A good friend is also in the midst of it and has had 2 cycles already. She's off to Turkey for no 3 in the New Year. A friend who adopted has asked me to talk to a friend of hers who's about to start IVF as she (adoptive mum to 2) feels i'm more up to date in my knowledge. I can't believe how many people I know in this boat now. I wish i could do more to help than talk to them.

I'M OFF FOR SUPPER NOW
I need an early night so i'm off for a light supper and to wind down a bit

Love to you all - i'll post a bump pic this week. Belly button is half popped - v weird look.

Sorry for long post.

xxx

All you Miss Muffets

2008-08-29T17:20:00.003Z

I'm sorry if I scared you off!

I had zero comments on my last post. I think the spider must have given you all the heebeegeebees. I'm so very sorry!

Its actually been a slow blog week. Lowish numbers of updates. I have little to report really. Working hard still but gearing up to gear down a little.

I need to dedicate some time to prepping for TP.

Mr G and I went to look at prams and are more confused than ever. I thought we'd be brave enough to buy one itty bitty piece of clothing for TP, but we couldn't go there. I'm not sure when i'll feel brave enough to buy the little one anything. Hopefully before the arrival....

I'm about to switch off. I've a 3 hr pasta class to teach tomorrow and lots of chores to do with Mr G this weekend.

Have a good weekend all of you xx

Yuck, yuck, yuck

2008-08-24T10:06:00.004Z

I've had a few nights sleeping through but the last couple i've been up at 3 and 3.30am for a bathroom run.

We have an ensuite toilet but I don't like to use it for fear of waking Mr G. So, last night, i made the trip down the hallway in the dark as usual. En route i trod on something squelchy that left my foot wet. I continued to the toilet and after i'd squeezed out a few drops I went back to investigate.

I found this....if you're arachnophobic don't scroll down....

I truly HATE spiders and am petrified of them! The penny is there to give you an idea of the sizer of the unfortunate arachnid out for a night time stroll. I feel sick looking at the pic. I TROD ON THAT THING WITH MY BARE FOOT!!!!!! Eugh!

I wiped my foot and got back into bed but couldn't sleep for ages. It didn't help that TP had an attack of the hiccups (which happens quite a lot and feels like a weird pulse going in my tummy) which always concerns me.

I'm really tired - worked a lot this week but am now feeling just a bit drained. Next week's a quieter one thank goodness and we've a new girl starting at the Cookery School so i'll be training her up with a view to stepping back. It's time to start planning some stuff for TP. We've done NOTHING. We're both too scared to buy anything. I think we do need to give it some thought now. We even need to change our car as neither my gorgeous mini nor Mr G's sporty 2 seater are really very suitable.

Tuesday will be 30 weeks - unbelievable. I still feel nervous even anticipating that. I was with my Auntie on Friday having lunch. She talked of nothing else but baby stuff. It was all a bit much and I burst into tears. I said - with ugly crying face - that I just couldn't believe i was even having this conversation with her and how i'm still really scared. TP has some more growing to do AND has to get out into the world. That bit worries me a lot. Not the pain - cos i'll deal with that - but the safety of the baby. I'd almost rather have a c-section just to be sure that nothing goes wrong.

Lets hope I can be less neurotic when the little one arrives. I hope so. I still feel so blessed to have come this far.

Please pop over to see two of my favourite ladies who could both do with some support. Andi's had a low positive beta at her first attempt with her sister's eggs and could do with some cheering on whilst the lovely BeeCee has had a nasty time with her 5th IVF and could do with a hug. I'm thinking of you both, girls.

xxx

Busy, busy, busy

2008-08-17T19:27:00.005Z

I can't believe it's Monday already tomorrow.

I'm only in the office Mon - Wed and by Wed night the four weekend days stretch ahead like a mini break. I managed to pack those four days so full with other work, chores and outings, they've just flown.

Also, Mr G has been doing a bit of radio - which was his career until a couple of years ago - 3 overnight shifts in a row - so has been leaving at 11pm ish and returning at 6am ish so my sleep has been all over the place and he has been catching up on sleep at any opportunity - in between other commitments - a 4D scan for TP and a trip to celebrate my Mum's birthday.

As soon as his head touches the pillow - after a quick belly stroke (mine not his!) - he starts to snore, and my sleep is over. I got up at 6.30am today and watched this film whilst eating my breakfast and then had a short nap before heading off to the supermarket - how much do I hate grocery shopping on a Sunday! We then went off to my Mum's birthday lunch. I've worked since I got home and will go to bed soon in anticipation of my early start tomorrow.

The scan was weird. Unlike previous scans we were less emotional but I think that was down to the super annoying woman who did it. TP had her/his legs up over his/her head with feet right on the head. It was difficult to get a good view so I had to get up and drink sweet hot choc and walk about a bit to try and shift the little angel. It didn't really work but we did get some nice shots. Little blighter had been really active all night - i wondered at the time if he/she recognised Daddy's voice on the radio - and was probably worn out.

When we got home, we looked again at the scan - they give you a 15 minute DVD of the best shots - which we played to this song - which has always been a special one for us and we both were sobbing. I still can't believe that we have got this far. There's a little person in my belly and that makes me so grateful. I'm praying that little person makes it out of my belly safe and sound and is a healthy little baby.

Time to go make Mr G his evening's food. Sandwiches, fruit - which he won't eat - a flask of coffee and some chocs. I've given him some dried fruit tonight to try to keep the choc consumption down. He's so stressed and busy and sleep deprived he's freebasing it at the moment.

Daddy's birthday

2008-08-13T20:58:00.002Z

My father would have been 67 today.

He'd have celebrated with a meal out and lots of champagne. Always lover of luxury he'd have liked a glass of Krug. He'd have made a fuss if his table wasn't in the best part of the restaurant and if the champagne wasn't chilled enough. He was very particular and embarrassed us children hugely in restaurants when he complained so we'd want to hide under the table. I'd be delighted for him to come back and embarrass us again. Just to hear him say my name and call me 'darling'. For him to give me a hug like I remember the last few hugs before he got too sick to hug from his hospital bed. I'd love to smell his aftershave. I wish he was still here with us.

I hate that I can't even remember how we celebrated the last birthday we shared with him. Not a clue. Perhaps he was away - he liked the sun and spent lots of summers in the sun. A true Leo. How can such important memories fade so badly.

I'm grateful and happy that i'm carrying a little piece of him, from his gene pool - someone who will carry on my Daddy's line - if not his name. I'm sad, so sad, that my Daddy isn't here to pat my bump and tell his friends about my pending arrival (please G-d) and to smile at me as I grow.

I'm sorry - if any of you girls still hoping for your miracle are still reading about my life - that this is such a 'pregnant' post.

Happy Birthday Daddy and thank you for everything you did for me. We didn't have the perfect relationship but you gave me such a great start in life and I know you loved me in your own way. I love you.

08.08.08

2008-08-08T21:16:00.003Z

I'm not sure i've much to say - it's late and I should be getting ready for bed - but it's 08.08.08 and I thought i should mark the occasion. Oddly, TP is due in 87 days, shame it wasn't 88.

I made Mr G a gorgeous supper from my new cookbook. It's a fab book. I cooked Pan fried Sea Bass with pitta, labneh, tomato and preserved lemon and then made some strawberry ice cream -a recipe from one of last week's newspapers. Both were delicious.

I also visited my friend with her 3 week old IVF twins today. They're teeny tiny - like little chickens. She seems to be coping ok.

Mr G is moaning at me to stop typing so i'll blog something more interesting over the weekend.

Emotional woman

2008-07-31T19:25:00.003Z

I've noticed myself being overly teary for a while now.

On Monday night Mr G inadvertently woke me when he got up to use the bathroom. I had a monster breakdown of the type you only have in the middle of the night. For some reason I was freaked out about being awake and not being able to sleep. It turned into wracking sobs that Mr G had to stroke and talk me down from. Of course, in the morning it was fine although i was super tired and embarrassed that i'd behaved like a five year old.

Then I cried last night watching the news of the honeymoon couple shot in Antigua. It's such a sad waste of life. How awful for that to happen on your honeymoon.

The most ridiculous breakdown was today. I was on my way to interview a restaurant owner - which, incidentally, he thought was tomorrow and wasn't there and I had booked in for today. (Pregnant brain? Most likely) The photographer and I caught the staff totally unprepared and very worried but we still managed to do the interview and get some pics. It was a raw food cafe and surprisingly really good. The photographer and I pigged out.

Anyway, on the way there, in my full make up (as they were going to take pics of me for the piece, I was listening to Stan by Eminem (you know, the one with the sample by Dido) and it made me cry! It was the thought of the man killing his girlfriend I think. I was even amused at myself, but couldn't stop the tears. Weirdo.

Finally - and you may want to stop reading here as it's DEFINITELY tmi - my bosoms have started oozing. About two weeks ago i noticed yellow goo coming from one of my nipples. Just a little. I believe it's the start of colostrum. Not unheard of at 26 weeks but a little freaky. Made me feel a bit strange.

Have been working hard again. Really enjoying being occupied but looking forward to tomorrow - first day of now work this week. Lovely.......

Thoughts

2008-07-26T08:44:00.002Z

I think about my dad and my grandparents all the time. I miss them, in particular my daddy, my mother's mother and father's father. They were the three who I lost most recently and the Grandparents i was closest to, although the loss isn't really that recent, as Grandma died 6 years ago and Daddy and Grandpa, 5 years ago.

I feel like they're looking down on me. I realise this is going to sound like the writings of a lunatic, but I had this notion the other day that all of our departed relatives are queuing up on our behalf to secure us our babies. When they get to the top of the queue - hey presto, that's when the cycle works or the unexpected pregnancy occurs. My Dad was such a forceful personality i'm not surprised he got the top of that queue.

It also made me think that he had something to do with TP. Daddy died and TP was conceived - is it still called conception when it happens in a petri dish with a needle? - on the SAME STREET in London. Daddy's hospital is on one block and our fertility clinic about 5 mins down the street from it. Coincidence? Maybe, but i'd like to think the proximity is special.

My nephew was born almost exactly 9 months after Daddy died and I thought that was special. I felt like there was a sort of spirit turnaround as one left and another arrived. Interestingly, I met Mr G on the day my nephew was born which makes that a really auspicious day too. But perhaps Daddy hung around a bit longer until we had our first treatment at that particular clinic.

And there again, perhaps i'm talking a load of rubbish....

Humour me!

Sun is shining

2008-07-24T09:56:00.002Z

TP is 25 weeks this week and kicking away like old billie-o. Mr G sings to my belly and often gets a kick in response - we're not sure if that's hello daddy or please stop making that noise. Either way, its a joy to feel life in there.

I've been working at the Cookery School office. It's great to be up and out and in a routine. I've missed that. I have to commute on the London Underground in the morning and evening rush hours, but as i'm always given a seat, it's not so bad.

When i get on the train it's always packed and it's been interesting to see how long people give it before someone offers me their seat and who actually gets up. I always feel a bit embarrassed about taking someone's seat but do always accept. Might as well enjoy this perk whilst i can. The first few times it was young (20 something) men who got up. Since then it's been only women - often women older than me. There are always heaps of men pretending they haven't seen me or just plain not bothered. I would always give up my seat for someone who needed it more than me, so it amazes me how rude some people can be. it's SWELTERING on the trains at the moment so it'd be hard to be standing.

I'm also teaching private cooking lessons at home. I taught fresh pasta last night - we made taglietelle with meat balls in tomato sauce and lemon and ricotta ravioli. It was a great lesson but my pupil arrived late so it was a long day. Still, i'm off today so a big lie in and lots of sitting today.

I feel like my working life is just coming together now. Mr G has been moaning that i'm the only person who gears up to work more at 6 months pregnant but it's not full time and it makes me feel so good to be busy.

The weather today is beautiful and my garden flowers are blooming. Tomorrow i'm doing a half day at the School testing cup cake recipes. It's really not even like work!!

Another friend - who had secondary infertility and succeeded in her third or fourth IVF, after a m/c at 9 weeks in an earlier try - has just had a great 12 week scan. I'm so happy for her and even happier that I can now share her news with others as she's gone public. She's 41 - same birthday as me but 2 years older. She was also at my clinic. I love another positive story.

Three new babies

2008-07-19T08:40:00.002Z

Yesterday I had news of three different births.

One close friend had twins and the other had a singleton. The first one - JC - gave birth to twin girls conceived after her 7th (yes SEVENTH) IVF. She, like me, refused to give up. Six were fresh cycles and one a frozen. The twins were conceived after a fresh cycle and she - JC - is 38 years old. I felt as emotional as if it had been me giving birth. I had tears in my eyes when i picked up the messages from her and her mother.

The second mother, C, is a cousin of mine. We're not especially close but i'm fond of her. She married her husband (who's lovely) in June 2007. She gave birth to their first child - a little boy - yesterday. I'm pleased but not to the extent I am for JC.

I just cannot shake feel an underlying emotion of mild bitterness. I'm not sure if bitterness is the right word. I just have a feeling I can't really explain about people having it too easy. I wouldn't wish infertility on anyone ever, I'm just less able to feel the same pure joy I feel for JC. I think perhaps my mother has harped on about C's pregnancy to me too much.

I feel guilty at how warped I have become. I wish i could be as happy for anyone bringing a new life into this world. Any baby born is a miracle and I should feel joy for all.

Been a busy girl

2008-07-13T16:57:00.004Z

I've had quite a lot of work this past few days which has been tiring but great.

I taught at a couple of different cookery schools on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Thursday was a birthday party for two 11 year girls. There were eleven of them and it was chaotic. We did pizzas, ham and cheese muffins, cupcakes - which they iced - choc chip cookies and sausage rolls. They had a ball but i was exhausted by the end. They're at a London stage school and didn't it just show. Lots of drama queen behaviour a big sing song over their meal.

Friday was a group of grown ups on a corporate jolly learning to make a Moroccan menu. Much easier and fun. I had to get home to ice a birthday cake for a friend's 4 year old son. He's allergic to eggs so i made one large egg free choc cake and some smaller which I iced and decorated to look like 3 hedgehogs. He LOVED them, which was really rewarding. My friend has 3 children - 12, 9 and 4 yrs old - and is a great mum. They're all really well behaved, polite and lovely. My current favourite children. It was a pleasure to do it for her. Here's a couple of shots of the cakes. I aint' no pro at cake decorating but they're kinda cute....

....

I've also been to two 40th birthday celebrations. The first, my friend who's just finished chemo for her breast cancer. She's got her radiotherapy now but is SO brave and positive. Her hair's gone but she has a great wig. She looks tired, but after months of chemo, is doing really well. I'm so proud of her. The second celebration was another school friend who i'm not in such close touch with. Was weird being back in her parents' home. I've not been there for 20 years or so!

The first party felt a bit odd as it was all girls - high maintenance, manicured nails, blow dried hair princess-y types with super slim figures each with several children at expensive private schools. I don't feel right in that crowd. I always feel dowdy and frumpy and, for the first time since TP landed, I suddenly felt kind of old to be finally pregnant. Glamour chicks like that have always made me feel inadequate and it made me feel even less comfortable around them. Sort of a lesser person for still struggling to get to their stage of life. I know that all that really counts is Mr G, me and TP, but i didn't enjoy being around them. I suppose it's another difference between fertile and infertile plus my own hang-ups.

It's going to be a busy week. I've a new pupil starting private lessons on Wed night. Off to see this film tomorrow night. I love Abba. Saw the show twice when it opened - once with my Mum and StepDad and again with my Dad - one benefit of being child of a broken home! I'm looking forward to it as i'm going with two lovely girlfriends.

I'll also be helping out in the office of one of the cookery schools i work at. The owner has had a stroke and needs to recuperate. I'm really, really fond of her and want to help out. I think she'll be fine but really needs to rest and she's a workaholic so i want to do all i can to help her. I should be in and out of there this week.

Belly and body shot

2008-07-09T21:02:00.005Z

Thank you all for your support. I do feel that i've less right to be sad than many, but i'm grateful for your support. Betty M - i'd love those links please to give to my friend, S.

I've finally got a shot of the belly. It was taken on our holiday in Greece. I've added in a sunrise shot and the view from our room first - both taken by the very talented Mr G with his birthday present camera - and then put in some space so those of you who don't want to see can avoid looking.

I'm really sorry i'm holding my belly in a v annoying pregnant woman way. It's to hide my huge Clexa.ne bruises (yep, still injecting) and not for effect. I hope it doesn't offend. I'm standing by the pool at our wonderful holiday hotel and also showing off my pregnant woman lardy butt and thighs too....!

Sorry i've been so rubbish at belly shots. Maybe it's a relief to you all anyway...!

Here's the most recent shot of my huge tum. TP's going to be 38 weeks tomorrow and hasn't that baby grown! I had Mr G take a shot with his i phone last night. I've tried 'in the mirror' shots but they're pretty rubbish. Anyway, it's quite a difference from the last shot when i thought I looked like a pregnant bird....

I miss you Daddy

2008-07-08T12:30:00.002Z

I'm writing this in a local cafe as my flat is STILL infested with builders and smells to high heaven of chemicals. I slept badly last night because of the smells and my concern that it might be harming TP. They should be gone soon.

I'm feeling even more sad today. On this Tuesday 8th July 2003, my Daddy left me. He died of pancreatic cancer and I miss him. I wish he was here to be excited for our pending arrival. I wish he was here to laugh and joke with Mr G. I wish he was here to advise me on life matters - even if the advice is unsolicited. I wish he was here to give me a hug. I even wish he was here to give me a hard time. I just wish he was here.

I'm heading up to see him - well, his gravestone - later on. I'm going with Mr G and with my Uncle - Daddy's brother, who misses him as much as I do. They were very close and he often says how he thought they were going to grow old together.

I have a photo of me and my Daddy taken when I was a baby. I'll scan it in when the builders are out of my hair.

On another sad note, i spoke to my friend, S, who has lost her babies, yesterday. She is so brave. She has been through 2 labours in one week. She has been through 2 IVF's. She has lost 2 babies. She said all of that would be fine if she was leaving hospital with even one of her little ones.

I asked her if she was going to try again. I know it's too soon to know but she said something that had us both sobbing. She said that she feels that all this time she was calling for her babies and was praying for them, she knew what she was calling and praying for. She said that these two little ones WERE her babies and who she'd been praying for. They came and now they're gone. She doesn't know who else there is for her.

Her tiny perfect girl was alive when she was born. She wriggled and moved in S's arms. She was just a few days short of the magic 24 weeks when the Dr's would at least have tried to save her. I can't make any sense of it at all. I wish I could have made it better for her. I was almost without words.

I'm so very sad today.

Sad...

2008-07-06T20:06:00.003Z

...well, completely distraught actually.

I've just stopped sobbing. My friend has just lost her second twin. Her little boy was born (at 22 weeks) and died last Saturday. Her little girl stayed inside for an extra week but was born and died yesterday lunchtime.

What is wrong with life? She's been through so much to get pregnant with these babies. She and her husband are good, church going people. They've waited 5 years for these babies and gone through 2 IVF's. I just don't get it.

I have no idea what to say to her. There are no words. For now, i've texted to let her know i'm there for her. I'll call tomorrow.

G-d bless them and their tiny perfect little babies who were born too soon.

Da daaaaaaaaah

2008-07-03T07:22:00.003Z

I've had a facelift. Well, my blog has. The wonderful Calliope has designed me a new header and i've done my best to bring the rest of my look up to scratch too. I'd love to change the background colour of my page but that was a step too far....

Thank you so much Calliope - you're a talented girl and deserve so much success and happiness.

I'm staying at my parents' house 30 mins drive north of London whilst Mr G is away on business. I love staying here - i'm being royally looked after. Bliss.

Our apartment is full of decorators painting and tiling our flat. We're having a bit of a tart up - part funded by 2 insurance claims for leaks from flats above us. Bad luck to have 2 flats leak into ours, but good luck that it necessitated repainting most of the flat.

We're also moving Mr G's home office out - partly to his new office in Soho and partly into my cubby hole office in the flat. His old office will be our guest room/TP's room. We don't really have space for a proper nursery if we want to keep an office at home and as we both do some work from home that seems the best option.

As we've just had two offers to paint murals on a nursery wall i'm starting to feel perhaps we should make the room a bit more of a nursery, but as we have our wardrobes in there anyway that's probably not possible. Our flat - which is 15 mins from Oxford Street - is perfectly placed for work and great shopping but is probably not big enough for us in the longer term. It's a shame as it backs onto a great park, is very convenient and i love living so centrally. We'll never be able to afford something big enough in that area, so in a year or so - when we have sufficient money (hopefully) - we'll look at a new area.

On another note, i had a call from a friend of a friend on Tuesday. We had some social chit chat whilst I was thinking 'what do you really want?' I was hoping it might be some catering work. What is turned out to be was to see if i'd talk to her friend who has secondary infertility as she's really low and not sure how to proceed. I said it would be my pleasure - and it is. If I can be of help to anyone going through this nightmare then i'd love to be.

She (the friend) called yesterday and was lovely and clearly in such a mess mentally. She's been told she has POF at only 35. She just about managed her first child - by a post-lap fluke - and now has been trying for 2 years for number 2. It ain't happening. Her AMH is less than 1 and she hasn't yet found a clinic to give her IVF. They say she doesn't respond well enough to stims. She told me when she has had stims, the most she has had has been a dose every OTHER day!!! EVERY OTHER DAY?!! What's that all about??

She had been at the clinic where we were told to give up. The one that is more concerned with their place in the official clinic league tables than helping patients. They turn you down if you look to be a bad candidate. She has spent about £40k so far and that's without any IVF. I've given her my clinic details and said she must call me to let me know how she gets on.

Better get dressed - i feel like a naughty child as my folks have been up and busy for ages and i'm still in PJ's!

Greece Rocks

2008-06-29T17:01:00.003Z

I'm back!!!

We have just had a gorgeous week on a beautiful Greek Island in the most wonderful hotel. The first row of pics shows a room next to ours and pics of our room. It was stunning. We had a pool just outside our bedroom and a perfect view of the sea. The staff were all so lovely - nothing too much trouble - and the setting, totally peaceful. Mr G ended up working every day on his laptop and on the phone, rising early as he was so stressed - we saw more than one beautiful sunrise - but at least we were able to spend some time together.

We laughed (a lot) and generally enjoyed each other's company. We ate very very well. I worried it wouldn't be good for Mr G as he's a (fish eating) vegetarian but it could not have been better. He loves houmous, feta, haloumi and other Greek type foods and there was plenty of those. We ate three good meals a day, with snacks. I was horrified to read today that i have (at this point) gained half my pregnancy weight and have another half to go. As i've already gained about 20lbs, that's not good news. Not a lot I can do about that now...

My only blip on holiday was a really sore shoulder. I've pulled something and it feels like a burning sensation in the joint. I just couldn't shake it. It meant i didn't swim as much as i meant to, but spent plenty of time in the pool reading my book - far too hot to sunbathe. No complaints - it was bliss.

On the TP front. I spent a certain amount of time worrying all was well. On Friday, Mr G - who talks to my tummy on a daily basis now - asked for a big kick to let us know all was well. I was lying on the sun lounger with my hands on my tum when a felt something like a bubble rise to the surface inside and pop at the top. I felt something like a drum beat against my hand. I couldn't believe it. Mr G was on a business call so I couldn't be certain I hadn't imagined it. Anyway, we were lying on the bed last night laughing about some of the holiday exploits when it happened again. I put Mr G's hand on my belly and he felt it too! It was so emotional. I'd laughed so much I had tears pouring down my face - you know how it is when it could change any minute to full on blubbing? When TP did the kicking thing I nearly lost it.

I spend a lot of time feeling immensely grateful for everything.

On a sad note, my friend who is carrying twins and went in to premature labour has lost one of her babies. The little boy was born on Saturday night and didn't make it. His sister is still inside and doing ok. I'm praying that they hold onto at least one baby. Life is so unfair. Why should people who go through so much to get pregnant (2 IVF's for her with full-on OHSS for good measure both times) then have to endure such horror. Haven't they had enough? She's in a hospital on the other side of London but i'm going to go up there this week to support her and her husband. It's just not fair.

My friend having her second IVF was converted to IUI and is waiting. I'm praying for her and her husband too.

Rushing. Warning - scan pics in post

2008-06-20T15:39:00.003Z

...so no belly for now...but the good news is that TP is looking good and performed well for the nice lady Dr.

All bits present and correct and no markers for anything horrid. Phew. We both cried - or rather welled up with - tears of relief and happiness. We know what sex our little one is for sure, but are keeping it a big secret for now.

I have to go - we're due to leave in about an hour and i haven't started packing. I'll be in Cephalonia for the next week chilling out and catching up on sleep i missed out on this week worrying about our scan. I'm so excited! It's meant to be beautiful there.

Have a good week and here's a 3D pic of our little TPLooking a lot like Mr G.

I'm blown away.

Alright already

2008-06-19T10:22:00.003Z

Thanks for recent comments.

I've had a few requests for belly shots. I'll ask Mr G to do the honours or see if I can manage an 'in the mirror' shot. I'll get it up before today.

I was actually meaning to take pics monthly. So much for that! I must get started on the shots so thank you for the requests.

Watch this space - belly coming soon...you have been warned.

ps: made some gorgeous mini carrot cake muffins this morning. The pic isn't mine but look just the same - although i topped mine with a walnut each. Usual recipe but in small muffin cups. They were so cute! I made them for the attendees of my apartment block's management committee meeting. I've got so sick of them doing nothing i decided to join. We had the meeting in the gardens outside my flat and (being a Jewish Mother in waiting) I just couldn't have people here and not feed them. Hence the muffins. At least they appreciated them.

Does anyone else have to get busy when people come round - cleaning? cooking? hiding the clutter?

20 weeks tomorrow - lots about pregnancy

2008-06-16T20:05:00.004Z

Tomorrow i'll have made it to 20 weeks. Who'd have thought? I never thought i'd get this far. I've got my 20 week anomaly scan on Friday. I'm still nervous about TP but i'm starting to feel a whole lot better about this pregnancy.

I'm starting to move from "is she tubby?" to "she looks like she could be pregnant". More than one person has touched my tum in the last few days. I still feel a bit nervous about saying i'm pregnant just in case i'm not next week. I'm also uncomfortable about looking too far into the future. Every so often though i am overwhelmed with the joy and pleasure of it all.

One huge change has been in my marriage. Neither Mr G nor I had realised how much IF had hijacked us. We thought we were doing ok, and in the circumstances, we were. We had our moments of being 'us' but it's only now, now that the pressure is off that I can see how far off 'us' we were. We've jumped back to how we were when we first met. Part of the joy of this pregnancy is getting my marriage back again.

I feel uncomfortable writing this when i know others who are still in the trenches might read it, but i need to say it. I feel angry that IF put us through such hell, but blessed and immensely lucky to be where i am now. I'm so full of love for Mr G i could burst with it. (Sorry for that mush)

I just hope that TP arrives and is healthy.

I have so many friends in need of good wishes and support at the moment:

My friend with twins in early labour was released (after her circlage) but re-admitted to hospital this weekend. She'll be in for the rest of her pregnancy. She's only 21 weeks and I'm praying her twins make it a few more weeks. She was very lucky not to have lost them already and is in the best place.

Another friend is in the middle of a cycle and only has 2 follicles to show so far after a week of stims. I'm praying things work out for her. Her husband - a friend of Mr G - is really finding it very hard to deal with.

I had tea with a lady who is covering as Features Editor for one of the papers I write for. She has just found out she and her dh will need to do ICSI. I so feel for her and have said she must ask me if there's anything she needs to know. She doesn't know anyone who's had IVF. I feel so very lucky to have made it this far over the fence. I hope I can help her.

Finally, i took some lunch to my friend who's in the middle of her chemotherapy for breast cancer. She's 39 with 2 small children. She's being so brave and i'm so proud of her. We sat in her garden and talked for hours today about IVF and cancer. She has 2 more chemo sessions and then radiotherapy. She won't know for a few more months how the cancer is doing. I'm praying it will all be gone. She and i had lost touch and i'm so grateful that we're back in touch again.

I think that's all for this post. Mr G's in Paris - for the second time in a week and for the next two nights. I'll miss him, but want to make the most of the chance of an early night, so i must get off to bed.

Night night.

Good news & quite a bit of PG stuff

2008-06-12T14:11:00.006Z

I seem to be going through some sort of hormonal crying phase. Everything, and i mean anything and everything is prone to have me well up and, worse still, sob. Television programmes, good news and even just thinking about how far i've come all can trigger tears. I'm not sad - far from it - just prone to blubbing.

After some hysteria on Tuesday night - hours before Mr G was due to hop on the Eurostar to Paris - i decided to try to get seen a day early at the Emergency Gynaecology Dept. I'd got myself into such a state about the cramping that i couldn't face another night of stressing - especially with Mr G away.

I rang them all morning but no one replied. (I still haven't had an answer the next day!) I decided to turn up. I arrived to a packed room and immediately burst into tears. The male receptionist was pretty cool about the weeping woman in front of him and said they'd try to see me. He let me hide in his room for a minute to get my act together. The worst thing was that even then, i couldn't stop and the nurses were just totally ignoring me! I filled in a form whilst snivelling and managed to get it together enough to leave the room. It was 12.30pm and he said to come back just before 2pm when the afternoon clinic would begin. I decided not to go home but had some lunch - which turned out to be very nice - and spoke to Mr G, who was convinced i was so hormonal that all must be ok.

I went back to 2pm and sat waiting until about 3.30pm. They kept saying how busy they were, but they had no urgency at all. Clinic opened at 2pm. The Registrar doing the scanning strolled up at 2.10 and the nurse practitioner at 2.20. There were 3 of us waiting - one lady had been there since 10.15am!! They saw her first and then me. The Registrar just had a look at TP with the ultrasound. He said there was nothing else he could do. I asked if the placenta was ok. He then had a look at that and said 'yes, looks fine'. He said that if something was really wrong i'd be in huge pain and there would be bleeding or discharge.

He thought it was just growing pains. I'm sure he's right, but he gave me zero confidence. Whilst i was in there, the emergency room called him. Without even seeing the patient he said to give her heavy pain relief and he'd come when he could but he had lots to do and wasn't going to hurry. He said they could bleep him all they liked but it would make no difference to when he came. Very caring!

Anyway, i'm still hurting but less concerned. Suppose it's my fantastically taut stomach muscles - as if....

My happiest news is that a friend - you may recall i bumped into her at the clinic a few weeks ago. Has had her first scan (at 6 and a half weeks) and she saw 2 sacs and 2 heartbeats!! I'm so, so happy for her - it had me in tears again. She's very nervous as her last BFP ended in a miscarriage at about 9 weeks but as her numbers are were so much better this time i'm sure it's going to work out. It's another good news story for us older birds. She's 41 and a half - 42 in December. It can happen!

The other side of the fertility fence

2008-06-09T16:34:00.003Z

I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we went to a garden party of an old school friend. She has been guilty of some hugely insensitive comments over the last couple of years and it was touch and go whether Mr G and I would attend, especially since it was going to be packed with small children. Even the friend's considerably younger sister had managed to produce her own small (and immensely cute) child!

As life is a bit easier on the IF front with TP on board, we decided we'd go - for a short while at least.

It was, as expected, packed with parents and small children racing around madly. It wasn't too bad. I only knew a handful of people there - including the hostess's family and a couple of our other school friends. We stood talking and eating canapes most of the time. The children were for the most part very cute. I'm very taken with the children of one of my school friends - V.

Mr G met a guy who used to be in the armed protection unit for the Queen which made his afternoon. He'd done that man nagging thing for the whole week before and all the way to the party - you know, the whole whiny "why do we have to go to this party", "how long must we stay" thing. All that changed once he met "a guy who protected the Queen with a gun!". My party curfew was immediately lifted.

Anyway, the point of this story isn't to embarrass my gorgeous husband. I went up to my two school friends to say hi. One (V) - who i'm in regular touch with asked how i was doing and I did that (yuck) pg thing of patting the bump. The other one - B - who is in close touch with V clearly had no idea I was pg and was full of happy congratulations. All very innocent you would think.

A while later I was chatting tp B. Turns out she had one child and was unable to conceive number 2. She'd had 3 failed IVF's after which she'd given up. I had no idea. She was asking me loads of questions about my treatment and then started to cry. I felt SO SO shitty. I took her to the corner of the garden for privacy and we had a longer talk. Her husband had been against donor eggs, she wasn't keen on adoption and after some matrimonial to-ing and fro-ing. they'd given up. She still hoped for that miracle, but clearly it was hurting.

I had tears in my eyes and felt so f'ing useless. I was cross too. Well meaning fertile friends had clearly chosen to keep my news from her so as not to hurt her. She was hijacked somewhat and probably had an emotional stumble as a result.

I realise i'm now contradicting myself. Two posts ago i was all for keeping certain news from the vulnerable. Now i'm angry at someone failing to share news. This is different though. If she'd known she'd have had time to deal with it. As it was, she had to deal with the pregnancy of a previously fertile-ly challenged person in very public place.

It underlined again how this stuff never goes away. We'll always be hijacked by the good news of others. Whilst we wish them well, we'll still feel a stabbing in our hearts.

Otherwise, i had a lovely weekend. The sun shone on Sunday and it's still beating down today. Gorgeous! Changes the whole outlook when you're deprived of it so often.

I went to the Dr today. I'm still getting period pain like cramps. They make me nervous. That, and some very low and different round ligament pain today made me decide to get checked out. We heard TP's heartbeat banging away but she rang the Fetal Emergency Unit anyway. I'm glad i'm not really, really panicking, as they cant see me until Thursday morning! I suppose if it was looking more serious they'd see me asap. I've no bleeding - but am on full panty watch. I'm sure it'll be ok, but we're off to Greece in a couple of weeks and i'd rather go knowing TP's not at risk.

Nightmares

2008-06-07T09:51:00.003Z

I've been feeling bad about yesterday's post all night. Maybe there are some feelings you just shouldn't blog about. It feels sort of bad karma to even think something bad about someone who's also been through IVF hell. It made me feel rotten even thinking that way.

I've been having bad dreams for a while now. They're about loss. Oddly, not baby loss but losing Mr G. In my nightmares, he either leaves me or (g-d forbid) dies. I feel so wretched when I wake up as it feels so real. Last night i lost 4 people close to me. a very close friend, my father (who I did lose nearly 5 years ago but who i still dream about regularly) and another person that I can't remember. In the dream i was out somewhere and saw something i really wanted to share with Mr G and had that huge sinking misery of knowing i never could.

When i woke at 5.30am I had to touch him to make sure he really was there. He woke to and i had a sobbing meltdown - you know how weird you get in the early hours - over feeling a bit lacking in the friend front at the moment.

It seems all that i hold dear has taken me a very long time to get to. It took me many years (and some bad, bad relationships) before I met my gorgeous and wonderful Mr G and i have no idea what i'd do without him. It has taken us two years and lots of heartache to get where we are now with TP. I'm still so scared that it won't last. I have a lurking worry that the happiness i feel will be snatched away from me. I think the dreams are a part of that.

I'm sorry for a negative post when i've really got it all. I"m well aware of how lucky i am. Must be a touch of hormones...

I'm off to make some peanut butter and choc cookies to take to a friend this afternoon. New recipe but anything with chocolate an peanut butter's gotta be good...!

Should we share the bad news? + SATC plot spoiler

2008-06-06T15:47:00.004Z

I bought a new little remote keyboard when i replaced my laptop and i love it!! It's a pleasure to type. As my new laptop is almost identical looking to the old one life isn't much changed. Mr G and I are both a bit nervy, and I don't leave the flat without hiding my laptop away. It takes time but whilst Mr Tickle's on the lose....

I've been a bit panicky this week. One of my MindBody girls texted yesterday to say she's in hospital with a threatened miscarriage. She's 20 weeks and carrying twins. I immediately got in touch. Turns out that she'd had a pain in her abdomen - which she now knows was some sort of urinary infection. She then had period like pain which it turns out were contractions. Her midwife told her to get to hospital. When she got to there she was 2cm dilated. They got her on an antibiotic drip and gave her meds to stop the labour. She was not sure if she was going to keep the babies - who were still very much alive and kicking inside of her. As i've been having a strong stabbing, stitch like pain and some period pains, it got me really worried and i've had a nervy 24 hours.

I spoke to her husband this morning and things are looking much better. She and the babies could well be ok. I'm so relieved for her.

I'm not sure if i'm evil, but she's someone who's rarely in touch and who is really insensitive to others who've not reached the stage she has. Whenever she gets in touch i worry that i'm not doing a well as her and she MOANS about her pregnancy symptoms in a disingenuous way. I'm not sure how to explain it but it's sort of like showing off whilst pretending to be moaning... Whilst i'm really concerned for her and at then end of the phone for her and praying for a happy ending, i feel a little upset with her for sending panic around the group. Three of us are also pregnant and one lost her first pregnancy at 18 weeks and is 18 weeks with another pregnancy now.

I hope i don't sound mean. Should we be sensitive about telling scare stories? Maybe i've just got it wrong and we should be there for each other whatever? It could just be my issue...Anyway, it's looking like a happy ending for her, which is the main thing.

My cramps come and go. I'm just not sure if period pain type cramps are part of the deal or if i should be concerned. Also, the stitch - in the appendix area - was sharp enough to really take my breath away. I had a rub of my tum to try and shift TP if they were the cause and changed how I was lying and it eased off, so i'm less worried about that pain. I've had it a few times this week. TP's been a bit quiet too - if i'd been feeling him/her that is. If the cramps return i'll go to the hospital emergency room - which is the only place you can go here if you're pre 20 weeks and have any pregnancy issues. You can also see your Doctor but getting an appt might take a week or so! Great medical system we have!

Sorry for the vent. I'm doing ok really.

Saw SATC on Monday. Loved it. Look away now if you plan on seeing it but I agree with a nacomleavmo blogger i read this week. It was a real let down that having adopted, Charlotte had a happy ending natural pregnancy. Why wasn't adoption enough and why could she not have gone down the IVF route? Disappointing that the whole "adopt and you'll fall pregnant instantly" myth was perpetrated once again. I'm still getting the whole - "you'll probably get pregnant naturally now you're pregnant" stuff. I WON'T !!!! It's not physically possible so leave me alone!!

Also had a long Brothers and Sisters session with a friend. 2 episodes over dinner. Pure pleasure! Rob Lowe is just too gorgeous! I've loved him since the 80's when i watched About Last Night about a hundred times! Who's your crush?

Burgled!!

2008-06-02T14:35:00.003Z

It's been an eventful day already and it's only 3.30 in the afternoon.

At 6am, i was vaguely aware of noise in our flat and a window opening or closing. I assumed Mr G had got up ahead of me - as he does - and was moving around the flat. He hadn't. He was lying next to me. I must have fallen asleep as the next thing i knew, he was getting out of bed and pulling on some clothes. I drifted off again. Next thing, i heard him calling 999 - our emergency services - to report a burglary.

I was now awake.

I pulled on my pj bottoms. Previously a naked sleeper, I now sleep in a secret support vest top to try to prevent my new 36D's from sagging. I got up and Mr G - just finished calling the police - told me we'd had an intruder. All that the b**st**d had taken was my laptop, mouse and power cable! Mr G had caught sight of the thief running up the garden and over the fence with next door with my laptop under his sneaky, thieving, b**st**d arm.

The most amazing part was that he hadn't actually been inside. We have security gates on each window which we keep locked closed most of the time. Feels like a prison but makes me feel safe. Not so safe any more. The Evil Criminal (EC for short) had pulled up the sash window - not locked - and using two lengths of pipe, managed to lift my Apple Mac Power Book off its stand on my desk. The desk is at least 3 or 4 feet from the window. He'd got it over to him and pulled it through the bars. And, get this, he'd even closed the window!!! He'd even managed to unplug the power cable from its socket and take that.

I actually think we were burgled by this man because i sure as anything couldn't have done that. He also did it in about 10 minutes flat.

With a talent like that, he'd make more money in a circus!

Anyway, the police were with us in 5 minutes, took notes and told us the Scene of Crime people would be along later. They left and we sat - a bit shell shocked - waiting until i could ring our insurer, banks and whoever else.

As the flipping thing had been left on overnight, i'm now worried that EC/Mr Tickle may pretend to be me. You have been warned to watch out for random posts!

I actually feel very lucky because -

1. my gorgeous husband had backed up the entire contents of my computer last night - which was why it was still on.
2. I was allowed by my insurer to go out and immediately buy a new MacBook Pro - which is what i'm typing on
3. All my data is now on the new laptop;
4. we weren't hurt;
5. Mr Tickle didn't steal a silver photo frame on the window ledge that my late father had given me; and
6. Mr Tickle wasn't here earlier, when i went to the bathroom - in only my vest - which is what tends to happen these days as i can't get through the night without answering nature's call.

I'm now really enjoying nacomleavmo and have loved the comments. If you're visiting today - have you been burgled or had anything you love stolen from you?

Perhaps I was wrong...

2008-05-31T13:36:00.004Z

I really enjoyed my visits to blogs new yesterday. I'm rubbish at remembering the names but at one I got to watch a video clip about Star Wars nerds that made me laugh out loud. Another played me music and another had me thinking about my favourite piece of kitchen equipment. Little things, but I really enjoyed the tour.

It's also making me post more so that my visitors - of which there are more now, thanks girls - are kept up to date.

The sun's shining here in London and i've had a lovely walk today on Hampstead Heath. I walked with the wife of one of my ex-bosses. He's a solicitor and i used to work for him when i was a legal beagle. I got on really well with both of them. We took her dog - a gorgeous lassie looking collie called Count Basie, Basie for short.

We bumped into a group of youngish (20 somethings) on the way. She knew one of them as he'd been very close to her son when they were growing up. She introduced him as Johnny. We chatted to him for a short while about a book she's about to publish about her son's drug addiction and bi-polar disorder (another story) in which Johnny's mentioned. He seemed nice enough. He was obviously in a band and said he's currently recording and it's going well. I assumed it's a hobby.

It was this man As we walked off she asked if i knew who he was. I said no and she told me he's Johnny Borrell the lead singer in Razorlight. I wouldn't have recognised him in a gazillion years and couldn't tell you a single Razorlight song. That makes me feel like my mother - AND i'm not even a mother!!!

Would you have known who he was?

Now, to steal an idea from another blog i visited and to give you something to comment on - what makes you feel old?

I think I can feel TP

2008-05-30T09:38:00.003Z

[BABY RELATED POST]

Thanks for the comments girls. Glad i'm not alone here!

I'm not sure and perhaps it really is too early but i'm getting little flickers inside from TP. I thought you were meant to get the feeling when you lay down on your back, but I seem to get it when i'm upright. It's probably wind or some other charming ailment!

Did i mention we have not one but two dopplers? We caved and bought one a few weeks ago. I feel a little embarassed to admit to owning one. My mother was very down in the idea. My BF sneered and said i'm the only person she'd EVER heard of getting one. I explained they're more common in the IF community.

The second one was given to us by a friend of MR G. We met up with him down in Mallorca. He lives out there with his wife and they've got 2 IVF children. She got severe OHSS both times and was hospitalised. They've been through all of that together and have been married 10 years. They've just decided to separate. Mr G was really upset about it. Seems very sad to me. I met her too and they make a really lovely couple.

Anyway, he brought us their doppler and said they listened every night. We've only been using ours every few days or so. We'd not taken it away as i figured what would we do if we had a problem. Anyway, once we had one in our hands it was too tempting not to have a cheeky listen. As we had no gel, we improvised with some of the hotel freebie shampoo! It worked and we got to hear the best sound in the world.

Mr G doesn't like me listening on my own, but i have had the very occasional sneaky go when i'm a bit nervous.

I hope i have been feeling TP and i hope there's lots more.